Secrets

Every so often I find myself wandering over to postsecret.com. Not every week but often enough. Often enough to remind me of something important.

Everyone has secrets

more important

Everyone has secrets that need to be shared.

That feeling of a deep connection with someone. Even if that someone is a stranger, hundreds of thousands miles away. A way to take a piece of yourself and throw it into the wind hoping it sticks to someone who understands.

Sometimes I write messages on my money before spending it. Excited to think there might be at least one person who sees it and cherishes it.

Caution to the wind....

but not cautionless, I can never seem to talk to people face to face. My mind keeps talking but everything on my body freezes, including my mouth. If only I could communicate solely through little drawings and words on postcard sized paper, it would be so much easier.

I expected life to be easier to understand when I graduated...but alas I meander still.

My feet want to run but my wallet keeps me still...

I guess that's all I have right now...
..
.

I want to share my secrets with you

So This Is It.

Today is my last day of work at the library. Saying goodbye to my supervisors and co-workers has been surprisingly saddening. I've been looking forward to this day for a while, but now that it's here it is definetly bittersweet. I'm excited to move forward, excited (and nervous) to get a new job but I REALLY am going to miss working here. It's so strange to think I won't be coming in tomorrow and I won't be coming back after summer. Normally I bust out Menomonie as fast as my feet can carry me with the quickest of goodbyes. There is no rush this time. No skipping out the door. It is a wierd feeling that I know I am closing a door on the past four years of my life. I know it needs to be done, I want it to be done. But it is a strange feeling.

You make a life somewhere.
You make friends.
Pick favorite spots.
Pick favorite restuarants.
Create AMAZING memories.
Find hobbies.
Try new things.
Celebrate Holidays.

And then suddenly it's all gone. You have to start over again.

It's going to be fun.

But it's going to be wierd.

All this hate.

Before I begin any blog posts that take any view on other people or society I like to begin with saying honestly I am not perfect, I don't ever paint myself in that light. I'd also like to note I am not referring to anyone specific here, there is no one person I am trying to vaguely attack, I'm just sad that people can't get along anymore. I know there will probably never be a perfect world, but that doesn't mean a part of me won't stop trying to achieve that.

That being said, I'm noticing a lot of hate, hate and anger everywhere. And it's getting a lot more substantial and I fear it overflowing and taking down too many people. It seems almost every conversation has be met with some sort of argument. Sometimes disguised in being "the devil's advocate" to which I begin to ponder, does the "devil" need an advocate anymore. I understand if someone is trying to get me to see a different view point but don't be a "devil's advocate" to start an argument with me. There isn't a reason and my heart is starting to ache from the hate.

I noticed it politically long LONG ago. If someone didn't think the same you, you had to argue you views whether they questioned them or not. With the election on it's way political hate is rising to an extreme. You can't say anything political without people jumping down your throat and not always with reason but just because they can. You can either love or hate Obama, you can't be anywhere in between and if you say you are. If I say "I like Obama, yes there are some things I disagree agree but on the whole he seems pretty cool," agents from both side coming out of the woodwork to attack you. 

And the "war on women" has me ready to stick a pistol in my mouth. Either you're a "crazy right wing women hating nut" or a "bitchy liberal welfare loving feminist hag". It makes me sad to be a woman whose stuck in the middle feeling like nobody is looking out for the greater good just looking for more reasons to attack another and now women have become another resource for ammunition. 

Now, today I found an article about a "new form of hipster racism." The article had some truth in that these days is seems to be acceptable to say hateful and hurtful things if they are simply in jest. I agree to that, it seems okay to offend people if "you're only joking." The way the article was presented however just caused more hate as it specifically targeted "white hipsters" and felt more like an attack then it did a well worded plea to stop. 

Hate begets hate begets hate begets hate. It's a insane cycle that feeds vicously off of itself. I begin to wonder if the children now notice all the hate flying around by adults and will learn to feed off of that. As a society what kind of example are we setting for the future? Maybe it's just me but I want to teach my children to be respectful, kind, honest, forgiving, and not just tolerant of everyone but loving towards everyone. People, race, sex are not pieces of ammunition to start wars against people you don't like because they don't share your point of view. Old people are not invalid, young people are not unlearned. All this hate makes me want to throw a big block party where people can come as they are and everyone is the guest of honor. Gifts are passed around because people simply want to GIVE and food is shared amongst all because everyone knows each person needs to be fed. No person is better than another but neither are they all the same. Adults look after children and love is free between people (and by love I mean the caring kind of love not the sex kind of love). All this hate is turning me into a hippie and a fucking proud one because I know that I do not feed hate, I do not feed violence, I do not feed fear. 

The world is making me wish Jonestown still existed because it seems like a lot better of a place then here. 

So how many people will be hurt, betrayed, oppressed, and killed before you wise up?

Until then I'm going to continue spreading joy and love, it's the only thing I know how to do.

Happy When It's Done

I have to say this, somewhere, so it might as well be here.

I'm sick of buying, sick of going shopping, sick of paying for things for studio. I'm beginning to hate seeing credit cards. Mostly I'm sick of getting paid only to have to spend it all the next day on Studio items and live off of like $10 for the next two weeks waiting till I have money to continue purchasing needed items for Studio. I can't go grocery shopping because I need to get my models all shoes and socks and that adds up fast. I need to purchase food for them, water for them, make-up for them...and ok wigs was my idea but that was fun. I love my models, don't get me wrong these girls are great but damn expensive. Men, I feel for ya. I feel like I have a girlfriend (well like four). If I'm ever in a relationship again I'm pay half for EVERYTHING, because this is just get annoying. 

All Grown Up?

I'm 23 now. 23. 2-3. It's weird. I think what felt super weird is the fact that more so now then when I was 18 or 21 I was told at 23 now I'm really an adult. Sure at 18 you're legally an adult and at 21 you can drink but the newness of these experiences often lead to wild crazy "young adult" stuff. But apparently at 23 you're supposed to be beyond all that now.

What is "all that"? What is being an adult?

To me, in the simplest form being an adult is being aware that there are bills to pay and somehow, you gotta pay them. By yourself.

There are of course, other factors I think are often found in adults that come from years of learning and living with others. Such as:

Thinking about others, or putting someone else before yourself. In any relationship (friend or romantic) it can't be about you all the time. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to or listen to stories and such you might not find interesting. However, because it is important to your loved one, it's not really a sacrifice because if you really care about them you should ultimately care about what's important to them as well. If you don't, then yes feign interest because they probably do the same for you. It's all about being able to look beyond yourself. You're not the center of the universe, you are one in billions of people and to build relationships, working relationships, there is always a give and take.

Doing the best for you, whether you always enjoy it or not. You may not enjoy work, school, or whatever but if it's helpful to you in the long run, I consider it an adult thing to just suck it up and get it done. I hate taking my car in for oil changes but I know it has to be done, so I make sure it gets done.

I'm sure there is more but what interests me is the many times I am called immature for things I really don't think make me immature. Yes, they are considered "childish aspects" about myself but they don't harm my life or anyone else's so I don't see the harm. Like...

I like to dance. At clubs or bars if there's a dance floor I will be dancing.
    A) not only is it an acceptable place to dance so you have no place judging me but
    B) a bar/club is a place set up to have some fun in, and I find dancing fun so shove off

However I find my urge to dance bleeds over into walking to work, standing in line at Coldstone, in labs, while cooking, and such. Now it's never so insane that I'm likely to cause injury to someone else or am not paying attention to what is around me. More like a little shake of the hips, some fake tap dancing, or simply just bobbing my head or body. I've been called immature for this. I don't understand that. Why is me having fun and enjoying myself immature? If I'm still being productive and I'm not say, kicking me cat, I don't it's cause to call me immature.

When did this happen?

When did having a personality make someone immature?

Suddenly now that I'm 23 I need to get a "real job" (a nine to five desk job everyday for the rest of my  life, no thank you..), look "normal", act "appropriately" ( I STILL have no idea what this means!!), and makes lots of money to buy lots of new stuff to show off to other people to make sure everybody knows how successful I am (and apparently even though NOW I say I don't really want all new stuff, no matter what I WILL want it as soon as a graduate and, oh "get a real job")

^^^This does not sound like an adult to me, if it is, sheesh, adults seem judgmental and boring (and by boring I mean booooorrrrrrrring). Also apparently this all counts as being an adult, however being politically active and participating in democracy isn't included in that list? What the hell?

So whether you like or not as part of my little rant I'm going to list some facts most "adults" will argue with me until the end of time

Facts:
I'm 23
I have blue hair
I can have blue hair and still be an adult
My blue hair doesn't harm you (unless I guess, I stick it in your eye but I wouldn't do that) so you can't be offended
My blue hair does not effect my work ethic *gasp*
My blue hair does not make me lazy (I was lazy since birth duchebags)
My blue hair doesn't even make me an extremest, I'm not always intentionally trying to defy society with weird hair colors. I just feel more like myself with blue hair. or orange hair. or purple hair. or whatever!
I find I am often a lot nicer than blondes and brunettes so don't even give me that argument


Soooo you can pick me out of a crowd, how does this make me immature? So I like to have fun, laugh, and am generally a silly person (it's my personality and honestly I'm sick of apologizing for that). This doesn't make me immature. If I can successfully pay bills and continue to have a quality of life that I am ok with I am an adult.

Oh, and I can think for myself, which I thinks should me a super adult since it seems that most other people let society pummel any individual thought out of their brains.

You say I'm 23, I need to be an adult and grow up.

I say I'm 23, I am an adult and will forever act like myself no matter what that means as time may pass and you just need to deal with it. My way of life makes me happy, end of story. If you're an adult you do what makes you happy but you can't expect that what makes you happy is what makes other people happy.

I'm 23
I have blue hair and I wear a 70's corduroy cap
I like tattoos
I love to dance
I am still an adult.

And Then This Comes To Mind

I haven't written in so long. I wanted to, several times I sat staring at my monitor trying to will myself to write but I don't know, something kept me from typing my heart out. I suspect it was time and the fact that I just didn't feel like typing shit to send into cyberspace and be left thinking, no one reads this! It might also have to do with the fact that things have been very personal and my heart has been ruling my brain recently and I can't very well write things pubicly about private people, at least not to the extent I have been feeling. I don't want to hurt people's feelings, no matter how they have left me feeling.

I like staying vauge to some point. It allows me to confront my feelings without confronting a person and starting arguments that ultimately go nowhere and end up usually just hurting me. This brings about the difficult fact that sometimes however, I am TOO good at not confronting people. To the point that often times my friends go without knowing my true feelings. I bend and bend telling myself, "they notice what's going on, they will give back, they understand" but people don't see you bending. They don't understand what I find hurtful or mean. They don't understand what I seek in friendships because I have been so contorted by others and my own fucked up mind that I'm scared shitless to say anything out loud.

Such as, I found myself with the crippling inability to call my friends. I would stare at the phone trying to will them call me, hoping desperatly for good talking time. I usually only get to talk to people at most once a month or so. I don't like that. It could be the warped friendship images I get from watching way too much T.V. and movies but I find myself wondering where is the friend I talk to everyday? Where is the person who I always catch up and gab with? Where is, in essence, my best friend? I think I'm romanticizing the ideal best friend too much but if this person exists for other people; shouldn't they COULDN'T they exist for me too? Anyways, back on topic! In a combination of my own maddess and being burned in the past I always felt like I was a nusience to people, to MY FRIENDS! That when my caller ID appeared they were on the other end groaning and moaning that I was ONCE AGAIN bothering them. I hated thinking that's how other people saw me, I retreated to rare calls and few texts. If I didn't bother people so much, maybe they would miss me and be excited to hear from me....

but this logic makes no sense. Friendships work both ways and I couldn't retreat into myself and expect everyone else to come to me. I think some of it was brought on by feeling lonely, I wanted to feel loved by others just as much as I wanted to shower them in love. I haven't fully recovered from my irrational fear but I'm getting better. I still have mini panic attacks when calling people praying they will answer and my heart still breaks when my voicemails go unreturned.

Everybody loves their iPhone but for me a phone is a vice, I need my phone to be least like a phone as possible. Because within my phone and other people lies my greatest pet peeve. When someone tells you they will call/text you and they never do. I hate this because guess what, even though every other person on the planet would just forget and move on, I am the person who will cling to my phone staring at it waiting for you. That's a decent thing to do I think. You tell me you are going to contact me, so I make sure I am available since you asked for my time. Only recently with certain offenders I have completely given up, I no long expect them to return any calls whatsoever. When they say "I'll call you later," they are really saying "I don't want to hang out with or talk to you, you're not worth my time." So be it, at least I've learned my lesson. Here's your lesson: you want to stay on my goodside? At least have the curtosy to let me know you won't be calling me back, you won't be hanging out with me. Break any chance of plans so I don't waste my time, putting my life on hold for you. BECAUSE I WILL WAIT FOR YOU! And ya know what, I've always believed that to be a good quality of mine. Thanks for taking my good quality and using it to make me feel like shit. Impressive, master work.

Although I'm quite peeved about somethings recently I have been exceptionally happy. Graduation gets closer and I get more nervous about leaving school and doing god-knows-what. The chances of getting a job in my field (that I am happy with) is slim to none but really I will take anything. ANYTHING as long as it gets me out of Wisconsin (and hopefully to Denver or somewhere near there). And being back at school there is definately people I miss back home. Though I know they will never see this, I don't want to say too much more because so much of it are moments I hold dear to my heart. Times I felt truly like myself. Times I felt accepted no matter what and sometims sharing those spoils that special feeling. So all I really want to say is how much I miss them and those times. I wish I could create them here with you, but soon enough I shall be home and more fun times shall insue (I hope).

It's the new year and I'm trying to bring out the true Elly. It's tough in the sense that I have really dual personalities and most people can't handle that. So depending on whom I with I have to keep a lid on one part of me or another. Alas, I am tired of it. I trust there are certain people in my life who will accept the crazy sides of me I have hidden away (yeah you thought I was crazy before, ooooooh just wait) because this kind of crazy is a crazy-happy-love-pie-in-the-sky-I-don't-make-much-sense-but-who-gives-a-fuck-anymore kind of crazy. While the I-hate-life-everybody-hates-me-life-is-out-to-get-me kind of crazy I've been for the past couple of years FINALLY dies down (though I won't lie it won't go away entirely, but everyone has those days now and then right?)

Life really isn't that short, it lasts for goddamn ever! but poopy people are no fun to be around EVER and I don't want to be a poopy person. Even on shitty days when you force yourself to smile at others and interact with cheer a bad day can get better! When you're poopy other people will respond accordingly but when you just say FUCK IT! and smile other people will smile at you too and want to spend time in your sunny company. Like I said, we all have our days but what you choose to be MOST of the time is what people will respond to :)

You're sick of me now, I can tell so I will leave you with this little poem NOT written by me (shucks!)

Yourself

Oh, weary heart, laden with earth's weight and care,
Oh, feet, stumbling on the way, bleeding and bare,
Oh, arms outstretched, and hands upheld in prayer,
Oh, back, which so oft has felt the lash and rod,
Oh, soul, which cries aloud for the living God,
Oh, life, struggling to free itself from the clod;
Know this: there is no power from without,
Yourself must answer every fear and meet all doubt
With some divine, indwelling power
Which you yourself, upon yourself, shall shower;
And giving take, and taking, give
Unto that life which you, yourself, shall live.



think about it.