I haven't written in so long. I wanted to, several times I sat staring at my monitor trying to will myself to write but I don't know, something kept me from typing my heart out. I suspect it was time and the fact that I just didn't feel like typing shit to send into cyberspace and be left thinking, no one reads this! It might also have to do with the fact that things have been very personal and my heart has been ruling my brain recently and I can't very well write things pubicly about private people, at least not to the extent I have been feeling. I don't want to hurt people's feelings, no matter how they have left me feeling.
I like staying vauge to some point. It allows me to confront my feelings without confronting a person and starting arguments that ultimately go nowhere and end up usually just hurting me. This brings about the difficult fact that sometimes however, I am TOO good at not confronting people. To the point that often times my friends go without knowing my true feelings. I bend and bend telling myself, "they notice what's going on, they will give back, they understand" but people don't see you bending. They don't understand what I find hurtful or mean. They don't understand what I seek in friendships because I have been so contorted by others and my own fucked up mind that I'm scared shitless to say anything out loud.
Such as, I found myself with the crippling inability to call my friends. I would stare at the phone trying to will them call me, hoping desperatly for good talking time. I usually only get to talk to people at most once a month or so. I don't like that. It could be the warped friendship images I get from watching way too much T.V. and movies but I find myself wondering where is the friend I talk to everyday? Where is the person who I always catch up and gab with? Where is, in essence, my best friend? I think I'm romanticizing the ideal best friend too much but if this person exists for other people; shouldn't they COULDN'T they exist for me too? Anyways, back on topic! In a combination of my own maddess and being burned in the past I always felt like I was a nusience to people, to MY FRIENDS! That when my caller ID appeared they were on the other end groaning and moaning that I was ONCE AGAIN bothering them. I hated thinking that's how other people saw me, I retreated to rare calls and few texts. If I didn't bother people so much, maybe they would miss me and be excited to hear from me....
but this logic makes no sense. Friendships work both ways and I couldn't retreat into myself and expect everyone else to come to me. I think some of it was brought on by feeling lonely, I wanted to feel loved by others just as much as I wanted to shower them in love. I haven't fully recovered from my irrational fear but I'm getting better. I still have mini panic attacks when calling people praying they will answer and my heart still breaks when my voicemails go unreturned.
Everybody loves their iPhone but for me a phone is a vice, I need my phone to be least like a phone as possible. Because within my phone and other people lies my greatest pet peeve. When someone tells you they will call/text you and they never do. I hate this because guess what, even though every other person on the planet would just forget and move on, I am the person who will cling to my phone staring at it waiting for you. That's a decent thing to do I think. You tell me you are going to contact me, so I make sure I am available since you asked for my time. Only recently with certain offenders I have completely given up, I no long expect them to return any calls whatsoever. When they say "I'll call you later," they are really saying "I don't want to hang out with or talk to you, you're not worth my time." So be it, at least I've learned my lesson. Here's your lesson: you want to stay on my goodside? At least have the curtosy to let me know you won't be calling me back, you won't be hanging out with me. Break any chance of plans so I don't waste my time, putting my life on hold for you. BECAUSE I WILL WAIT FOR YOU! And ya know what, I've always believed that to be a good quality of mine. Thanks for taking my good quality and using it to make me feel like shit. Impressive, master work.
Although I'm quite peeved about somethings recently I have been exceptionally happy. Graduation gets closer and I get more nervous about leaving school and doing god-knows-what. The chances of getting a job in my field (that I am happy with) is slim to none but really I will take anything. ANYTHING as long as it gets me out of Wisconsin (and hopefully to Denver or somewhere near there). And being back at school there is definately people I miss back home. Though I know they will never see this, I don't want to say too much more because so much of it are moments I hold dear to my heart. Times I felt truly like myself. Times I felt accepted no matter what and sometims sharing those spoils that special feeling. So all I really want to say is how much I miss them and those times. I wish I could create them here with you, but soon enough I shall be home and more fun times shall insue (I hope).
It's the new year and I'm trying to bring out the true Elly. It's tough in the sense that I have really dual personalities and most people can't handle that. So depending on whom I with I have to keep a lid on one part of me or another. Alas, I am tired of it. I trust there are certain people in my life who will accept the crazy sides of me I have hidden away (yeah you thought I was crazy before, ooooooh just wait) because this kind of crazy is a crazy-happy-love-pie-in-the-sky-I-don't-make-much-sense-but-who-gives-a-fuck-anymore kind of crazy. While the I-hate-life-everybody-hates-me-life-is-out-to-get-me kind of crazy I've been for the past couple of years FINALLY dies down (though I won't lie it won't go away entirely, but everyone has those days now and then right?)
Life really isn't that short, it lasts for goddamn ever! but poopy people are no fun to be around EVER and I don't want to be a poopy person. Even on shitty days when you force yourself to smile at others and interact with cheer a bad day can get better! When you're poopy other people will respond accordingly but when you just say FUCK IT! and smile other people will smile at you too and want to spend time in your sunny company. Like I said, we all have our days but what you choose to be MOST of the time is what people will respond to :)
You're sick of me now, I can tell so I will leave you with this little poem NOT written by me (shucks!)
Yourself
Oh, weary heart, laden with earth's weight and care,
Oh, feet, stumbling on the way, bleeding and bare,
Oh, arms outstretched, and hands upheld in prayer,
Oh, back, which so oft has felt the lash and rod,
Oh, soul, which cries aloud for the living God,
Oh, life, struggling to free itself from the clod;
Know this: there is no power from without,
Yourself must answer every fear and meet all doubt
With some divine, indwelling power
Which you yourself, upon yourself, shall shower;
And giving take, and taking, give
Unto that life which you, yourself, shall live.
think about it.
I like staying vauge to some point. It allows me to confront my feelings without confronting a person and starting arguments that ultimately go nowhere and end up usually just hurting me. This brings about the difficult fact that sometimes however, I am TOO good at not confronting people. To the point that often times my friends go without knowing my true feelings. I bend and bend telling myself, "they notice what's going on, they will give back, they understand" but people don't see you bending. They don't understand what I find hurtful or mean. They don't understand what I seek in friendships because I have been so contorted by others and my own fucked up mind that I'm scared shitless to say anything out loud.
Such as, I found myself with the crippling inability to call my friends. I would stare at the phone trying to will them call me, hoping desperatly for good talking time. I usually only get to talk to people at most once a month or so. I don't like that. It could be the warped friendship images I get from watching way too much T.V. and movies but I find myself wondering where is the friend I talk to everyday? Where is the person who I always catch up and gab with? Where is, in essence, my best friend? I think I'm romanticizing the ideal best friend too much but if this person exists for other people; shouldn't they COULDN'T they exist for me too? Anyways, back on topic! In a combination of my own maddess and being burned in the past I always felt like I was a nusience to people, to MY FRIENDS! That when my caller ID appeared they were on the other end groaning and moaning that I was ONCE AGAIN bothering them. I hated thinking that's how other people saw me, I retreated to rare calls and few texts. If I didn't bother people so much, maybe they would miss me and be excited to hear from me....
but this logic makes no sense. Friendships work both ways and I couldn't retreat into myself and expect everyone else to come to me. I think some of it was brought on by feeling lonely, I wanted to feel loved by others just as much as I wanted to shower them in love. I haven't fully recovered from my irrational fear but I'm getting better. I still have mini panic attacks when calling people praying they will answer and my heart still breaks when my voicemails go unreturned.
Everybody loves their iPhone but for me a phone is a vice, I need my phone to be least like a phone as possible. Because within my phone and other people lies my greatest pet peeve. When someone tells you they will call/text you and they never do. I hate this because guess what, even though every other person on the planet would just forget and move on, I am the person who will cling to my phone staring at it waiting for you. That's a decent thing to do I think. You tell me you are going to contact me, so I make sure I am available since you asked for my time. Only recently with certain offenders I have completely given up, I no long expect them to return any calls whatsoever. When they say "I'll call you later," they are really saying "I don't want to hang out with or talk to you, you're not worth my time." So be it, at least I've learned my lesson. Here's your lesson: you want to stay on my goodside? At least have the curtosy to let me know you won't be calling me back, you won't be hanging out with me. Break any chance of plans so I don't waste my time, putting my life on hold for you. BECAUSE I WILL WAIT FOR YOU! And ya know what, I've always believed that to be a good quality of mine. Thanks for taking my good quality and using it to make me feel like shit. Impressive, master work.
Although I'm quite peeved about somethings recently I have been exceptionally happy. Graduation gets closer and I get more nervous about leaving school and doing god-knows-what. The chances of getting a job in my field (that I am happy with) is slim to none but really I will take anything. ANYTHING as long as it gets me out of Wisconsin (and hopefully to Denver or somewhere near there). And being back at school there is definately people I miss back home. Though I know they will never see this, I don't want to say too much more because so much of it are moments I hold dear to my heart. Times I felt truly like myself. Times I felt accepted no matter what and sometims sharing those spoils that special feeling. So all I really want to say is how much I miss them and those times. I wish I could create them here with you, but soon enough I shall be home and more fun times shall insue (I hope).
It's the new year and I'm trying to bring out the true Elly. It's tough in the sense that I have really dual personalities and most people can't handle that. So depending on whom I with I have to keep a lid on one part of me or another. Alas, I am tired of it. I trust there are certain people in my life who will accept the crazy sides of me I have hidden away (yeah you thought I was crazy before, ooooooh just wait) because this kind of crazy is a crazy-happy-love-pie-in-the-sky-I-don't-make-much-sense-but-who-gives-a-fuck-anymore kind of crazy. While the I-hate-life-everybody-hates-me-life-is-out-to-get-me kind of crazy I've been for the past couple of years FINALLY dies down (though I won't lie it won't go away entirely, but everyone has those days now and then right?)
Life really isn't that short, it lasts for goddamn ever! but poopy people are no fun to be around EVER and I don't want to be a poopy person. Even on shitty days when you force yourself to smile at others and interact with cheer a bad day can get better! When you're poopy other people will respond accordingly but when you just say FUCK IT! and smile other people will smile at you too and want to spend time in your sunny company. Like I said, we all have our days but what you choose to be MOST of the time is what people will respond to :)
You're sick of me now, I can tell so I will leave you with this little poem NOT written by me (shucks!)
Yourself
Oh, weary heart, laden with earth's weight and care,
Oh, feet, stumbling on the way, bleeding and bare,
Oh, arms outstretched, and hands upheld in prayer,
Oh, back, which so oft has felt the lash and rod,
Oh, soul, which cries aloud for the living God,
Oh, life, struggling to free itself from the clod;
Know this: there is no power from without,
Yourself must answer every fear and meet all doubt
With some divine, indwelling power
Which you yourself, upon yourself, shall shower;
And giving take, and taking, give
Unto that life which you, yourself, shall live.
think about it.
