A Reoccurring Problem

I have so many thoughts and emotions buzzing in my brain right now. I'm sitting at work and I can't even sit still my mind is at that much unrest. It is not all bad but all of my thoughts screaming at once leaves me in a peculiar state. This happens to be a reoccurring trend however frustrating. I think a lot about a lot of things and I don't know if sometimes the feeling of not having people to constantly share things with keeps me from blurting out all the crazy in my head but now it's just packed in there screaming to be heard.

I know I have friends, and most of them DO take at least some time to listen to me and I try not to blame other people when I feel it is unjust because it is me. I don't trust easy, if I feel someone may make fun of or dismiss my ideas I don't openly share them because I don't want to be hurt. In fact, that is how I am with everything. In my head it think it is fair, if you don't want to hear it I won't share it. Most of the time I keep a tight control on matters like this, and I apologize for the moments these thoughts burst from mouth like a cup overflowing with coffee. There are lots of things I wish I could share that people do not want to hear and I respect that but it leaves me a few things to say to people. I keep a lid on many thoughts because friends have either expressed verbally or non verbally that they are not interested in hearing about such topics. I also keep a lid on a lot of things because when I speak my mind, someone always takes it personally and is offended or hurt when (please understand) it is rarely my intention to do so (though I won't lie sometimes it is). I ALSO keep a lid on things because my mind is a very strange place and if I opened it freely people would see just HOW strange it is and (although many would deny this, I know it would happen by little experiments I have tried) many of my friends would never talk to me again, think I'm crazy or just too bizarre a person to be friends with.

Anyways, this usually means many thoughts stay bottled up in my head (again for my protection) but then days like this pop up when the bottle explodes and spew crazy over everyone. These days are hard because it usually means I should NOT be around people but I should not be around myself either. I get all twitchy and excited about every little thing (OMG YOU MADE MAC N CHEESE!!!! I MAKE MAC N CHEESE TOOOOO!!!!!!<---as an example hahaha)

This made sound random but this is why I also wish I had a dancers body. On days like this, singing and dancing (physical release really) are extremely therapeutic. They allow me to release the pent up crazy that has been bottled up so long I feel it aching in my body. If I was tall and had long legs I would like to think I would have become a dancer. Alas, I am 5'3" with the shortest legs of anybody I know (baby legs really). Also, I can sometimes be a little rhythmically challenged in my body. So my release usually stayed in my room but these past couple of years my rooms have been small and difficult to dance wildly in and concerts (where I would also get release) have been sparse which makes me sad. It doesn't help this year I'm on the main floor right by the door and the bathroom so people can easily catch me being stupid which makes me uncomfortable. Hopefully by days end I can find a release. I hate being crazy. It really is a miracle nobody has had me locked up by now. hahahahahahahahahahaha

Where does this come from?

You can tell me all of my faults, but if you fail to realize the faults in yourself what do you gain? I know I'm not perfect. I've accepted that fact years ago. When I fell and nobody picked me up I learned to stand on my own. When nobody had the answers my questions I learned to discover things on my own. Pain is never pretty but it has become an inspiration in my life. I don't wish pain on anyone. When I called your name and you didn't answer I felt cold inside. When you never came, I hardened. You never gave me an explanation. I didn't understand where I went wrong. How could someone who loved me so, use me and drop me like a rock. I paint my walls black these days. I tuck you away where you can't hurt me. When you try again, I won't cry this time. Although life may try and drown me, I still smile when I can. I don't call out your name anymore, I've learned my lesson. 1,2,3,4...how many people made me believe they cared for me when in reality they played me like a fiddle to get exactly what they want. When they've had enough they dump me like trash. They took pieces of me without any consideration and kept them leaving me half alive. Now you've awoken a corpse. I like to think I play you all now like marionettes in my game but I can't do it. I can't play you like that. But rest assured, if I catch you at your game...I will eat your head.

I don't even have anything to offer people, what the hell did you think you could take from me?

So it seems....

So it seems that I'm only your friend when you decide you want me to be. Thanks. Glad to know where I stand. I was confused for a while but I see clearly now how it works.

Reminder, it's OK to give yourself a break every once in while

School is busy. Job 1 is busy. Job 2 will get busier. I'm not the only dealing with situations like this, where stress mounts on stress and it wears you thin. Yesterday I had a crappy day. Not being able to find my phone, mounted with a ton of schoolwork I had to do, stress over some personal relationships, and (what happened to be the cake topper that day) realizing I had purchased about $65 dollars of unusable yarn pushed me over the edge yet again. After several unsuccessful attempts to wind my yarn I lost it and broke down in the (thankfully empty) knits lab. I just wanted to go home but I had class, work, and homework still to content too that night. Also worried about my phone (which doubles as my alarm clock) I didn't think I was going to get any sleep. I stopped by my teacher's office (face still red) to say that if I was edgy tomorrow it was because today just seemed so awful. She gently reminded me that I NEED sleep and not to worry so much about class, "you're having a crappy day" she said "go home, make some hot cocoa and get some sleep." I left her office not wanting to listen to the words she said I felt I had SO MUCH to do!

I made it home close to 10:00pm after work, I was making dinner when I felt I kept hearing phantom phones vibrating...reminding me of my sad lost one. I (kinda of randomly) decided to check my purse yet again (I had checked several times before) as I was still convinced I had my phone when I got home Sunday. Turns out my phone had gone into a back pocket that had a hole in it and straight into the lining the phone fell. Even though I had searched in my bag, the gap between the lining and the shell of the bag is rather large so I had been searching in the right place just not feeling the gap fully until now. I felt so relieved!!!!! I decided to eat dinner and get back to work, even though I was pretty exhuasted from the day. As I sat down for dinner (and some Twin Peaks yeah!!!) my adorable kitty jumped up and curled up in my lap (which she hadn't done in a while). That's when a quote from Twin Peaks jumped into my mind

"every day, once a day, give yourself a present. Don't plan it; don't wait for it; just let it happen. It could be a new shirt in a men's store, a catnap in your office chair, or two cups of good, hot, black, coffee"

That's when I decided to take my teachers (and Special Agent Dale Cooper's) advice and give myself the present of a night off. 

Like I said previously, I'm not a religious girl but I do have faith. Faith in good people, faith in myself, faith in something beyond myself, call it God/Fate/whatever you please. 

I started to think that maybe sometimes we have crappy days to remind ourselves it's OK to take a break. I don't always believe "when God closes a door, he opens a window" but I do think crappy days can solve problems we wouldn't have even known existed if things had gone perfectly. If my yarn had wound wonderfully that day I would have decided to keep working the cheap acrylic I was only sort of happy with but because it caused a meltdown I decided to look for other yarn and found some online that was much higher quality for a cheaper price (and the color selection was OUTSTANDING). 

Taking the night off and giving my mind some rest has rejuvenated myself for the oncoming week. It allowed ideas to "cook" in my brain a little more and for the first time in a while I fell asleep smiling. Usually no matter what, during a crappy day it will always just seem crappy but yesterday gave me a new insight that when you can, appreciate the crappy the days. They often can be eye opening if not at least refreshing when you learn to accept them.

So for all of you out there like me, who find it hard to give themselves a break sometimes. It's OK, in fact it's better than if you try and push yourself beyond your limits. When you find yourself starting to beat yourself up for all the things going on, walk away from what you're working on, grab a hot cocoa and BREATHE. In a world as crazy and frustrating as this one mental health days are a must. It's OK to have a night off to yourself. If you often find yourself forgetting the cut yourself a break like me, remember that nobody's perfect and think honestly "what's the worst that can happen?" As my friend Paul would tell you "As long as you are alive, your winning, beyond that it doesn't really matter."

Thanks Paul,  yet again!

So it was a crappy day but a good night. Here's hoping the rest of the week will run smoothly.

Geez, Ain't It Great!

Yesterday sometime between arriving at Walmart after yarn shopping in Eau Claire and leaving for work I lost my phone. Although I swear I remember bringing it inside the house, after having my roommate call my phone (trying to listen intently as OF COURSE it was on vibrate) I still cannot locate it. Which means it somehow got lost at Walmart, even though I never took my phone out at Walmart and didn't even purchase anything. I checked my car, nada. I won't be going home until Thanksgiving but I don't think my phone plan is up until after then which means I have no idea when I will even be able to replace it. I don't get calls or text very often (sometimes going a week or more without my phone ringing or dinging once) but without it I surprisingly feel very cut off from everyone. Now I don't even have the opportunity to talk to my friends or family and I can't call Walmart to see if they found a lost phone (which I'm sure nobody would turn it in, even though it's a little piece of shit) because I DON'T HAVE A PHONE. I would use my roommates but I worked until 1am when everyone else was already asleep and was up and out the door before anyone was awake and won't be back home until about bedtime again tonight. Not only do I have no way of talking to anyone, now I also don't have an alarm clock (which makes me afraid to go to sleep), or a mp3 player (which just makes me sad). Although school is going better it's still stressful and the added stress of not knowing where my phone is (and what the jackass who possibly took it is doing with it) is going to wear me awful this week and if I can't sleep because I don't have a way to wake up, I can tell it's going to be a looooooooonnnnnggg exhausting week filled with lots of coffee.

But school had been getting better, although it was still stressful I felt so much more positive about things. I was smiling again, and able to take moments to relax. But after losing my phone (which I still can't figure out HOW it even happened!) I can't help but to think "Can't a girl get a break for once?" I'm starting to think if there is a God, he enjoys being a mean little bully to me way too much. Good thing I don't believe in religion, I guess.


Sorry for the rant, but I just don't have anyone to talk to anymore. My friends are either to busy to talk to me or don't want to talk to me anymore (as I've been told). I feel isolated and lonely but here is the only pity party I get because after this post it is right back to the grind.

sigh.


I just really wish life would cut me a break for once.
I could really use it.
but you know what? Yeah fucking right, I'm never going to get one it seems.
Can I give up yet?

Drowning

I think it has been quite obvious that in last weeks my posts have been infrequent and downtrodden. It is no surprise I am drowning. Between my huge workload for classes and two jobs sleep is infrequent, food is infrequent but tears are in abundance. After declaring that I would not break this semester I humbly bow that I am broken. If it were not for my parents supporting me in school I am quite sure I would have dropped out by now but happily (and thankfully...sorta) I am still here. My mental stability might not be much but I am holding on. I am hoping through my descent into my own madness; by setting myself on fire I will be born again from the ashes like a Phoenix. This descent is unlike any other I have in school, I am up, down, fighting, resting. It saddens me a bit that all last semester I worked hard on figuring out who I was, even going to a counselor, and came summer I felt refreshed and free. Now I am thrown back into the struggle to once again face one on one with myself and the winner remains undetermined. In my heart I know I'm worthwhile, I know I have drive, passion, I know I'm a good person. In my heart I know I can conquer life (in my heart I'm Fionna from Adventure Time haha). In my head however there's a completely different story. Inside my head I battle constantly with a part of me that yearns to be seen, yearn for someone to care about what I'm doing and the other part of me that screams "I DO NOT CARE!" I will do what I want to do and if someone doesn't approve, well suck it. Finding a balance between these two is harder than you might think. I battle polar opposite feelings, almost polar opposite personalities. It's a feeling that rips me down the middle. It's hard to explain and sadly only those who have delt with it seem to really understand. Everyone else tries, god bless em, but fails to see that it's not a switch I can turn on and off. It's a piece of who I am, one that refuses to die.

I can't promise from here on out I will be better. I miss my friends, I feel shunned in some ways and I battle that too. I will work to do my best but you are not reading a fairy tale, more likely a tragedy and with any hope an encouraging story of a battered hero.

A part of me wishes I knew what you wanted me to say. What are looking to hear? Do you get pissed off when blab like this, do you no longer believe that I will ever change? Do you turn your head and pretend not to see. Look, look at the monstrous being wriggling on the floor beneath you. Stare and accept there is nothing you can do.