Drowning

I think it has been quite obvious that in last weeks my posts have been infrequent and downtrodden. It is no surprise I am drowning. Between my huge workload for classes and two jobs sleep is infrequent, food is infrequent but tears are in abundance. After declaring that I would not break this semester I humbly bow that I am broken. If it were not for my parents supporting me in school I am quite sure I would have dropped out by now but happily (and thankfully...sorta) I am still here. My mental stability might not be much but I am holding on. I am hoping through my descent into my own madness; by setting myself on fire I will be born again from the ashes like a Phoenix. This descent is unlike any other I have in school, I am up, down, fighting, resting. It saddens me a bit that all last semester I worked hard on figuring out who I was, even going to a counselor, and came summer I felt refreshed and free. Now I am thrown back into the struggle to once again face one on one with myself and the winner remains undetermined. In my heart I know I'm worthwhile, I know I have drive, passion, I know I'm a good person. In my heart I know I can conquer life (in my heart I'm Fionna from Adventure Time haha). In my head however there's a completely different story. Inside my head I battle constantly with a part of me that yearns to be seen, yearn for someone to care about what I'm doing and the other part of me that screams "I DO NOT CARE!" I will do what I want to do and if someone doesn't approve, well suck it. Finding a balance between these two is harder than you might think. I battle polar opposite feelings, almost polar opposite personalities. It's a feeling that rips me down the middle. It's hard to explain and sadly only those who have delt with it seem to really understand. Everyone else tries, god bless em, but fails to see that it's not a switch I can turn on and off. It's a piece of who I am, one that refuses to die.

I can't promise from here on out I will be better. I miss my friends, I feel shunned in some ways and I battle that too. I will work to do my best but you are not reading a fairy tale, more likely a tragedy and with any hope an encouraging story of a battered hero.

A part of me wishes I knew what you wanted me to say. What are looking to hear? Do you get pissed off when blab like this, do you no longer believe that I will ever change? Do you turn your head and pretend not to see. Look, look at the monstrous being wriggling on the floor beneath you. Stare and accept there is nothing you can do.