A Reoccurring Problem

I have so many thoughts and emotions buzzing in my brain right now. I'm sitting at work and I can't even sit still my mind is at that much unrest. It is not all bad but all of my thoughts screaming at once leaves me in a peculiar state. This happens to be a reoccurring trend however frustrating. I think a lot about a lot of things and I don't know if sometimes the feeling of not having people to constantly share things with keeps me from blurting out all the crazy in my head but now it's just packed in there screaming to be heard.

I know I have friends, and most of them DO take at least some time to listen to me and I try not to blame other people when I feel it is unjust because it is me. I don't trust easy, if I feel someone may make fun of or dismiss my ideas I don't openly share them because I don't want to be hurt. In fact, that is how I am with everything. In my head it think it is fair, if you don't want to hear it I won't share it. Most of the time I keep a tight control on matters like this, and I apologize for the moments these thoughts burst from mouth like a cup overflowing with coffee. There are lots of things I wish I could share that people do not want to hear and I respect that but it leaves me a few things to say to people. I keep a lid on many thoughts because friends have either expressed verbally or non verbally that they are not interested in hearing about such topics. I also keep a lid on a lot of things because when I speak my mind, someone always takes it personally and is offended or hurt when (please understand) it is rarely my intention to do so (though I won't lie sometimes it is). I ALSO keep a lid on things because my mind is a very strange place and if I opened it freely people would see just HOW strange it is and (although many would deny this, I know it would happen by little experiments I have tried) many of my friends would never talk to me again, think I'm crazy or just too bizarre a person to be friends with.

Anyways, this usually means many thoughts stay bottled up in my head (again for my protection) but then days like this pop up when the bottle explodes and spew crazy over everyone. These days are hard because it usually means I should NOT be around people but I should not be around myself either. I get all twitchy and excited about every little thing (OMG YOU MADE MAC N CHEESE!!!! I MAKE MAC N CHEESE TOOOOO!!!!!!<---as an example hahaha)

This made sound random but this is why I also wish I had a dancers body. On days like this, singing and dancing (physical release really) are extremely therapeutic. They allow me to release the pent up crazy that has been bottled up so long I feel it aching in my body. If I was tall and had long legs I would like to think I would have become a dancer. Alas, I am 5'3" with the shortest legs of anybody I know (baby legs really). Also, I can sometimes be a little rhythmically challenged in my body. So my release usually stayed in my room but these past couple of years my rooms have been small and difficult to dance wildly in and concerts (where I would also get release) have been sparse which makes me sad. It doesn't help this year I'm on the main floor right by the door and the bathroom so people can easily catch me being stupid which makes me uncomfortable. Hopefully by days end I can find a release. I hate being crazy. It really is a miracle nobody has had me locked up by now. hahahahahahahahahahaha