Good Feeling Gone.

Well so much for that good feeling. Apparently God really just doesn't want me to be happy, everytime I feel like I'm getting there WHAM! oh well. What's been bugging me is a conversation I had with a classmate on Friday. I was talking to this freshman I really don't know but somehow got into a conversation with and she mentions how she's always known she's wanted to do fashion and truth be told I hate running into those people because I feel so unworthy around them since I DIDN'T always know I wanted to be in fashion. Anyways, so I trying to tell her how I got to this point and she kept cutting me off. As soon as I told her about my cafe idea I had awhile ago she told me it sounded dirty and gross. ok, she's already testing me. So I left that and went on to say I realized I didn't really want to sell everything I really wanted to sell clothes (of course meaning my clothes) and she cut me off again with "Selling? That's retail, are you retail?" "no" "oh well selling's retail" "I know but I want to make my clothes, have my own boutqiue" "are you a business minor?" "no" "oh you should be" this is kinda how are conversation went. It really pushed my buttons in a few ways. I'm going to make the assumption that this girl comes from a pretty wealthy family because she lives somewhere in the Milwaukee area but only apprieciates the rich areas and thinks KK (Kinnickinick) (wow didn't spell that right) is a bad area that her mother was afraid of. Now I've walked up and down KK a lot I never saw much danger there, sure it's no gated community but it's not the north side either. So that got me believing she's a blessed child. Anyways I'm trying to explain Fasten to her (but of course she can't get over that it's on KK "eww")she didn't seem to hear me, everything I tried to say to she rebuttled before I even had a chance to explain and I hate when people do that because they really don't know what your talking about but they feel they have the right to shut you down. This does not sit well with me. She even told me that for becoming a designer I should go to Mount Mary (which is 20 grand a year) because Stout is more corportaion oriented, which is true but Stout is more hands on which I love (and it's affordable...ish) I blantely told her I did not have the money to go there and she said they have good scholorships (of course none of which I am guarenteed) and this time I got to shut her down and just said "no there's no way I can afford it" she looked kinda confused when I said that, talk about sheltered. I think what hurt me the most is when I tried to explain that all I want is a small boutique she talked as if that ok if I didn't mind being poor (ok she didn't say poor directly but I knew what she meant) and it's the WAY she said it, like owning a small boutique wasn't good enough or as if now that she knew that about me I was suddenly a lesser person. I wonder, when did just wanting enough suddenly become not enough? Why is it everyone's mission these day is to be rich and have a big house and all that junk. I've learned lately that living more simply isn't a bad thing. Sure I still want a nice home and car, I mean I want enough to live by but I don't need a lot of money and just because I don't want a lot of money or fame doesn't make me crazy, does it? Should I really feel bad for not wanting everything? What happened to living simply so that others may simply live? I'm a really casual person and belong in constant casual settings, I like being my own boss and deciding what's right for me, I like unique and individual things, does this make less worthy? Her opinion shouldn't bother me either, but what she said and how she said it really hurt me, made me feel stupid for wanting to live commonly. I want to be a real person real people can talk to and being famous doesn't make that easy. I want to make people who feel like me feel good about it and not second class because they're different. I want to change the world piece by piece from bottom up. But suddenly now these days that just not good enough and if that's what you want then you get that wierd stare from people and really I hate that it still bothers me but can't people understand how easy it is offend someone and tear them down? It especially hurts when it comes from people who don't even take the time to listen to you they just start tearing down your idea as soon as the first word leaves your mouth. I also told her other jobs I would like are a piercing or tattto artist but that I didn't follow that because I like clothes better and I could just see her cringe behind me thinking probably of how "dirty" that was. AHHHH now I'm just pissed and hurt! Why is what I want never good enough? I deal with all the time and I'm so sick of people looking down on me because of how I view the world, my life in it, and where I want to be, who I want to be, what I want out of life, and how I get there. No matter what I do I'm always the outsider, the freak, the lunatic, will I ever be good enough in life? Will I ever get respect?

Music Everywhere!

Music has been on my mind a lot lately. I've been basking in the wonder of how songs (with or without words) can touch us so much and such affects on people. Some songs I listen to and this feeling of awakening washes over me, a feeling that wishes I could speak so truthfully and elquently. Part of this is brought on by the Cloud Cult concert Annie, Neil, and I went to. I've never heard Cloud Cult until that day at the concert and I fell for their words (and the cool idea they have of having people painting during the concerts and then auctioning the paintings off afterwards) I wish I had some good pics of the band but they are all super blurry so I won't even bother posting them. But again, there is one song that I'm just so attracted to.....here it is...

Cloud Cult-Journey of the Featherless

Got myself a mission
I'm going to find heaven
I made crepe paper wings
I think they'll carry me awhile

I left you a love poem
The best I have written
My favorite words
Were the ones I couldn't spell

They say I'm a lunatic
They say I am full of it
I say that it's worth dreaming
Just for the dream of it

It's all about passion
It's all about perception
Don't call me on my cellphone
'Cause there ain't no reception

When I'm gone
When I'm gone

I think I'm growing feathers
But I'm not quite sure of it
'Cause I started getting dizzy
About a hundred feet up

I made friends with the clouds
I made friends with the birds
If you ask a goose a question
He never shuts up

And honestly I miss you
And I hope that your missing me
'Cause I could use your lips on me
And a little bit of Dramamine

For the moment I can see
Way better than I've ever seen
Don't sell my stuff on Ebay
'Cause I might be back before I'm gone

Before I'm gone

I'm not the kind of man
Who's into looking downward
I drank my share of pity
From the bartender's cup

So many people Wondering "What's the right direction"
As far as I'm concerned
There's only one way up

And my fingers, they are blisters
And my eyes, they are bullet holes
But my heart's still beating
Guess I'm pretty lucky
I'm not sure what it is about the song but when I hear it I feel it's so true for me or at least a place where I wish I could be...I'm having a moment here where I just feel like smiling because I think of my friends and how lucky I am to have ALL of them because none of them are completely alike and I love that! So many different funny moments with each and I know they all love me and care for me deeply. Sometimes I feel I don't return their love enough but I will die trying! I don't think having a "movie life" is impossible to gain, we all have moments that were sure only ever happen in the movies and yet it's my life. I really wish I felt like this all the time, especially since nothing really good happened today and I still have a outdoor kickball game at 11 that I'm not looking forward to. I think just looking forward to going home and seeing everyone just has me in smiles! Going home is so much more fun when you have time to miss it! haha! So laugh today or tomorrow, or the day after it, everyone needs it. It's wonderful to feel like this, oh I hope it lasts! (at least just for a bit) to end this whole thing I am posting a video I found recently that's kinda old...since Danielle is like the only person who reads this blog I feel no guilt in posting this!

Spring Fever

So I saw my friend Danielle posted some updates (including her spring schedule) up on her weblog, not one to being beaten out I must post a "retaliation" blog where I get to boast about my spring schedule (which is finally complete) I ALSO have NO Friday classes (not even costume shop hours) however I am not in any theatre major whatsoever. You should know by now I am an APPAREL DEVELOPMENT AND DESIGN MAJOR. I still have to pick a concentration which is bugging me because I want to lean towards construction but I don't want to work in a factory. Oh well I'll decide later. so here it is my wonderfully much better schedule than Danielle's (kidding!)

Monday's and Wednesday's!!!
10:10-12:10 Pattern Development
12:20-1:15 Fundamentals of Speech

Tuesday's and Thursday's!!!
9:40-11:05 Cultural Anthropolgy
11:15-12:40 Recent American Literature
1:25-2:20 Packaging and Society
2:30-4:00 Fashion Industry

16 credits total....I'm not sure I need the Lit class but I felt like taking it anyways. I really wanted to take a Sign Language coarse but they only offered Sign Language 2 not Sign Language 1 next semester. I was also going to take Line Development (which means garment line not drawing line) but funny enough they weren't offereing that one either (suck!) So I'm pretty syked for next semester.NEW CLASSES YAYA!! I also finished my pants yesterday and they are now being graded and hopefully will be heading for home on the 24th! I thinks that's mainly it. Oh yea! I passed the CPR certification test too! yaaay I can save lives!

And I Can I Hope It Will Be Worth What I Give Up

I'm pretty sure I am a masochist. I constantly hurt myself and am drawn to what I know will hurt me in the end. I've doomed myself, however while it truly sucks sometimes there are times when I feel I have come to terms with where I know my life is going to end up. Fate doesn't have it for me to be happy. I will graduate, move, own my own little store and live alone with little money till I die (ok I'll probably have a couple of dogs ...:)...) I'm nothing special and probably won't ever be but I kind of control that. I can't force my heart to feel things it does not but I give up the prospect of being with another, or feeling complete with anyone else. I've lost the war, God doesn't love me enough, I'm not good enough but at least I can say I hope it will be worth what I give up, standing up for what I believe. I believe in my heart and I choose to stupidly opptimistic and have the kind of hope nobody else has these days (except for those who have what I do not). I do believe in love, not for me, but for the world. It hurts but I am beginning to reconginze that I will never have love and I will die alone being laughed at for being an idiot but I will know that I stayed true to my heart, which is the only thing I can do. I am an idiot, I am ignornant, I am a masochist, and I am one of the few who give up everything for what I believe, what I feel and I can only hope that it will be worth what I give up

Skirt Pictures....Long Time Coming

ok I finally got some pics of my skirt...I look pretty stupid in most of them but the important part is the SKIRT THAT I MADE FROM SCRATCH!!!!!!! (go me go me it's not my birthday yet but go me go meeee)

Too Much T.V. (probably)

I've been a lot of Sex and the City lately (for lack of anything better to watch) and found myself bringing the characters into my life. Margie being actually a composite of Samantha and Miranda having the sensuality of Samantha but the feminist ways and strong build of Miranda. Danielle is with no doubt Charloette living in a novel romance and wanting nothing less. Maybe it's becaue it's my life but I would be Carrie, constantly trying to figure out life and the people in it. Also because like Carrie I constantly battle with my own Mr. Big. Going back and forth never over, always finding each other. It's wierd how things connect like that. If only life was like a T.V. show and in the end the I would know that the writers would be me and Mr. Big together. Where's the fast forward button in real life? Why does fate have it in for me. I do believe in a reason for everything but I won't deny that everything sucks right now. (ok maybe just my love life sucks right now but that's a really big part for me) GAH! if only I could think of something else, but no I'm fucked. forever fucked over by God and fate. Thanks guys. I just hate those days when I feel like something is going on, something is changing that I'm not aware of. Fuck my intuition! what has it done for me? I just wish I could wake up one of these days and feel like I have a purpose, like I'm needed here. Grow up Mr. Big! really come on! stupid men. >_< stupid me.

And The Winner Is......

BARACK OBAMA!!!!!!!! :D So lets work with Obama and be the change we want to be. I'm ready to change the world, are you?

Election Day-Actually Important

Most of the people who know me know that I'm not really politically active. However over the past couple of monthes I've been learning the importantance of having a voice. I realize now not voting before didn't mean I wasn't saying anything, in fact I was choosing to support whoever won because by not voting I voted to not have a say in the matter (if that makes sense) however today I voted for the first time! I was proud to have a voice and even helped campaign not only for a candidate but for simply voting and it felt great. I was part of a group that stood in a long line silently for 15 with posters, it was soooooo positive! I think as I grow, as a person and simply grow older, it's much more apparent that if I don't like how things are I have to stand up and say something and find others who think positivly like me. Point is I VOTED and you should too! because when we stand together there really can be a change and even the smallest voice should have the right to speak.

Halloween Weekend!!

Came back from Madison yesterday. It was pretty fun down there, there was some bumps in the road due to funsuckers but everything went pretty well I guess. I don't feel like posting any pictures so if you want some pictures of my Madison adventure just leave me a comment with your email and send them to you (close friends of mine) I went out both Friday and Saturday and feel kinda sick now but oh well! Friday I was the ipod dance ad which people either got or didn't get and it was a pretty fun costume I will admit. Saturday I really didn't feel like doing the whole getup all over again so i dressed in pretty much my normal clothes, put on my cokebottle sunglasses and went as a hippie. State street was ok, but it would have been really worth it to go if I was 21. I hade to pay $10 just to walk around but getting to see everyone elses costumes was pretty cool. I really didn't get smashed either night because I don't drink liquer because I don't like having my head in the toilet but it was still fun, dancing and singing as we walked around. I saw two (!) Todds from Scrubs (yaaaaay) and a Rude Boy (!!!) he was really happy to meet someone who knew what he was (because I guess I was the only person who got it :D) that made me happy, I haven't met anyone whose watched Scrubs or knows what Ska is since I came to Menomonie and sure I won't see them again becuase they are in Madison but if felt good to be around people like me if only for a short while. I still wonder if I'll ever really fit in anywhere completly. I love Menomonie but that empty place inside just won't go away and while I have friends I have no one to watch movies or shows with and no one to go to concerts with (especially Ska concerts) which sucks majorly. But there's time left yet for that, I'm not giving up, not just yet. :D