And I Can I Hope It Will Be Worth What I Give Up

I'm pretty sure I am a masochist. I constantly hurt myself and am drawn to what I know will hurt me in the end. I've doomed myself, however while it truly sucks sometimes there are times when I feel I have come to terms with where I know my life is going to end up. Fate doesn't have it for me to be happy. I will graduate, move, own my own little store and live alone with little money till I die (ok I'll probably have a couple of dogs ...:)...) I'm nothing special and probably won't ever be but I kind of control that. I can't force my heart to feel things it does not but I give up the prospect of being with another, or feeling complete with anyone else. I've lost the war, God doesn't love me enough, I'm not good enough but at least I can say I hope it will be worth what I give up, standing up for what I believe. I believe in my heart and I choose to stupidly opptimistic and have the kind of hope nobody else has these days (except for those who have what I do not). I do believe in love, not for me, but for the world. It hurts but I am beginning to reconginze that I will never have love and I will die alone being laughed at for being an idiot but I will know that I stayed true to my heart, which is the only thing I can do. I am an idiot, I am ignornant, I am a masochist, and I am one of the few who give up everything for what I believe, what I feel and I can only hope that it will be worth what I give up