Please
How can I beg anymore?
Please
Can't you see my knees are raw from being on the floor?
Please
'Till the word loses all meaning
Please
Won't you hear me?
Please
Don't ask that of me
Please
Stop forcing it on me
Please
Look at me for who I really am
Plase
try to understand
Please
Can't you see I'm bending
Please
I've broken already
Please
In pleading not in pleasure
Please
Without terms and without measure
Please
Look into my eyes
Please
Don't simply dispise
Please
I cannot ask again
Please
Is there to much to mend?
Please
Don't read to much into this
Please
Really I insist
Please
These are just words on a page
Please
There are too many words to say
Please
I don't know all of them yet
Please
Have patience for what I do not get
Please
Stop staring at me so
Please
Forgive and let me go
Please
This is taking a turn for the worse
Please
Take whatever from my purse
Please
This was all just an expirement
Please
My decisions I don't regret
Please
Don't make me feel like I should
Please
If I had to do it again I really would
Please
I'm getting stuck in a loop
Please
I hate jumping through your hoops
Please
My head is in a fog
Please
You make me feel like your dog
Please
Don't jerk me around like this
Please
Don't make an angry fist
Please
don't think that you is you
Please
who is you if you is me?
Please
Stop expecting so much from me
Please
I surely fail don't you see?
Please
I'm not that person you want me to be
Please
I'm not what anybody thinks of me
Please
I can see we are so similar
Please
But is this feeling to familiar?
Please
How long will this go?
Please
I really want to know
Please
Could I end it at anytime
Please
Simply type one last ryhme
Please
Then send off to the grave
Please
Remember all that I gave
Please
Can't you see I'm having fun?
Please
Can I have one last run?
Please
My fingers run across the keys
Please
Begging without ease
Please
I'll say it once just again
Please
Hear my pleading without end.
...That was a fun experiment, started with just one word then went and went...you all wish I would just shut up don't you? BUT THE MYSTERY INSUES!!!!!!
25.4.11
21.4.11
Another Round My Dear?
WHAM!
The fist hit her cheek with surprising force, heat and pain radiated upwards through her eye and across her forhead. Tomorrow there would be a bruise. She hung her head attempting to shield the welling tears from her opponent.
"I don't want to fight you," she mumbled.
"I don't care," was the only reply.
She took the hits gracefully, revelling in the feeling of each pound of the fist. Her whole body was warm and pulsing, something was being born inside her. She felt a thin sheet of ice start to cover her heart but she shook it off immediatly. This will change me she spoke in her mind but it will not beat me.
"why won't you fight back?" her opponent sneered as they brought their arm up for another punch.
"beacause I don't need to," she replied weakly as she slumped to the floor.
.............
The yellow bathroom light stung her eyes as she woke, she hated those lights or was it the wallpaper? She tried to hoist herself up on one arm but her palm slipped in the pool of blood and she crashed back onto floor.
"dammit"
Blood smeared everywhere; over the walls, her body, the floor, the toilet, only the shower seemed white. The mixture of the yellow light, or was it the wallpaper, and deep red made her stomach turn. She faced the mirror to look upon her swollen face, caked and streaked with blood. She ran her fingers gently across her cheek and closed her eyes feeling the raised lines of dried blood and the textures of mixed blood, hair, skin and perhaps a bit of dirt.
"I am no victim"
She would not pity herself, she would not complain most likely she wouldn't even clean herself off for the day. She crawled out of the dingy bathroom and hoisted herself up on the hallway wall. She limped slowly down the hallway and stairs leaving bits of smeared blood on the peeling walls and warped wood floor. Ahead of her sunlight streamed in from the large sliding patio doors. She placed a dirty hand on the glass and smiled from the warmth as she pushed it gently to the left. It slid open with a low muffled whine and she took a gentle step onto the bright green grass. The only thing beautiful about her home was the grass, taking care of the grass was all she could afford, all she cared about. She walked only a few feet through the soft blades before falling to her knees and slumping completely to the ground. She smiled as her stained skin soaked in the warmth of the sun and her sore eyelids closed gently. Today was a good day.
The fist hit her cheek with surprising force, heat and pain radiated upwards through her eye and across her forhead. Tomorrow there would be a bruise. She hung her head attempting to shield the welling tears from her opponent.
"I don't want to fight you," she mumbled.
"I don't care," was the only reply.
She took the hits gracefully, revelling in the feeling of each pound of the fist. Her whole body was warm and pulsing, something was being born inside her. She felt a thin sheet of ice start to cover her heart but she shook it off immediatly. This will change me she spoke in her mind but it will not beat me.
"why won't you fight back?" her opponent sneered as they brought their arm up for another punch.
"beacause I don't need to," she replied weakly as she slumped to the floor.
.............
The yellow bathroom light stung her eyes as she woke, she hated those lights or was it the wallpaper? She tried to hoist herself up on one arm but her palm slipped in the pool of blood and she crashed back onto floor.
"dammit"
Blood smeared everywhere; over the walls, her body, the floor, the toilet, only the shower seemed white. The mixture of the yellow light, or was it the wallpaper, and deep red made her stomach turn. She faced the mirror to look upon her swollen face, caked and streaked with blood. She ran her fingers gently across her cheek and closed her eyes feeling the raised lines of dried blood and the textures of mixed blood, hair, skin and perhaps a bit of dirt.
"I am no victim"
She would not pity herself, she would not complain most likely she wouldn't even clean herself off for the day. She crawled out of the dingy bathroom and hoisted herself up on the hallway wall. She limped slowly down the hallway and stairs leaving bits of smeared blood on the peeling walls and warped wood floor. Ahead of her sunlight streamed in from the large sliding patio doors. She placed a dirty hand on the glass and smiled from the warmth as she pushed it gently to the left. It slid open with a low muffled whine and she took a gentle step onto the bright green grass. The only thing beautiful about her home was the grass, taking care of the grass was all she could afford, all she cared about. She walked only a few feet through the soft blades before falling to her knees and slumping completely to the ground. She smiled as her stained skin soaked in the warmth of the sun and her sore eyelids closed gently. Today was a good day.
18.4.11
To....
I love you, just the way you are. Don't change if you don't want to, but if you do I will love you still. Bear your soul, you are no monster to me but rather the brightest light in my world, that will never change. Feel no pressure, I accept you as you are I see your imperfections and I love them for what they are and that is why you are still perfect. Don't rush or run, there is no need I will always be standing here and if I am not facing you just tap my shoulder for you know I will be sad if you pass me without saying "hello". Smile, it is beautiful when you do and when you smile it spreads like wildfire, merely thinking of it stretches my own lips across my face. Laugh, and laugh loudly because there is no such thing as laughing too loud and I want to hear your laugh in all parts of the world where ever I may be. Cry, embrace crying and know that these tears will to soon pass and inevitably more will follow but there is no shame in crying for it shows you are human capable in being hurt and mustn't we all be hurt in our lives at some point? Be
Be Yourself. The easiest statement to make but the hardest to live. If you try I promise I will too and I think we will be surprised at what comes out of it. There is no greater beauty than you to me. Be ashamed of nothing and nobody. You are a small part in the play of life and the audience has no say so why give them that power? Why sit on stage and wait for an answer you don't need? And though you may just be a small part in the play of life remember you are cast a much larger part in my heart and soul. Lean on me, because I ask you to. Do not seek happiness, because it cannot be found, captured, confined, or taken. Happiness is a chance you choose to receive, live life as you please and I promise happiness you will receive. Listen to what others say but don't be afraid to not heed their advice if you know it isn't for you.
I love you more than any word in existence and you are welcome anytime.
Be Yourself. The easiest statement to make but the hardest to live. If you try I promise I will too and I think we will be surprised at what comes out of it. There is no greater beauty than you to me. Be ashamed of nothing and nobody. You are a small part in the play of life and the audience has no say so why give them that power? Why sit on stage and wait for an answer you don't need? And though you may just be a small part in the play of life remember you are cast a much larger part in my heart and soul. Lean on me, because I ask you to. Do not seek happiness, because it cannot be found, captured, confined, or taken. Happiness is a chance you choose to receive, live life as you please and I promise happiness you will receive. Listen to what others say but don't be afraid to not heed their advice if you know it isn't for you.
I love you more than any word in existence and you are welcome anytime.
11.4.11
Highways and Back Roads...Thoughts On Life.
I have been mulling over this post for a while. To explain a viewpoint in life that I have been struggling, to describe an intriguing thought. It is not fully thought out but I don’t think I could fully think through this entire concept in one lifetime. Because it is a viewpoint on life, realize it comes from a bias though I try to be as non biased as possible and realize as well it is not perfect, much like myself. I have been recollecting recently about why I named my blog Adventures on the Low Road. I can remember still, sitting on a couch in the Memorial Student Center rethinking names and trying to find the best to fit my life. Instantly I discarded the obvious Indie references and didn't want it really to have anything indicating fashion in the title either. I am no "fashionista" and never wanted to give off that impression. I am simply a practically invisible girl who wanted a blog for herself (assuming no one would read it but me). My life is not always adventurous but life itself is always an adventure, that is key. The low road came from the concept of their being different paths in life, most people take the high road-the one most accepted. I wanted to invite people into a place a little more dark and possibly dangerous but sometimes a little more rewarding.
To me this concept is best described like this: There are highways and back roads. Most people drive on the highway, it's fast, convenient, accepted, and almost a sure fire win. You know where you are going to end and how long it will take to get there. The highway is the safest route, not always exciting but pleasant and predictable. Most people are happy taking the highway, in fact most people prefer it because it works. It was an old back road that worked for the majority of people in society so it became paved and pretty. People who are on the highway are simply people who can follow the path that society at one point said was best and this is not a bad thing. People on the highway may not always have it easy, as there are always potholes on roads but the place in which they usually do have it easy is acceptance into society. These are the people who make the everyday work, without them the world would crumble and fall because no one would be there to think about society as whole, what people need, what society wants. The highway also comes with pressures of its own, as it often asks that people who drive this route keep upstanding jobs at corporations, a good bank account, and a clear head. I would think that most people found on the highway are those realists who prefer security in life and their feet on the ground. (however I am aware that there are always outliers) The highway is a good wholesome road, it is the American road.
Then there are the back roads: often forgotten and neglected the back road can be bumpy and dangerous. It is not a chosen path but a destined one, one that may build strength in areas and potholes in others. There isn't anything to gain on the back roads but for some people, they simply cannot drive on the highway, there is something inside them that wants more. It is a personality difference, I guess you could say most back road drivers are the “anti-culture” as they want what society may not offer them. They may be the people who don’t usually “fit in” with society although I hate using this term because then it feels like out casting people and deeming anyone who drives the back roads as maybe…non upstanding citizens, which of course is complete bull. People who usually take back roads just have different definitions than society and must find their own way to their own happiness. These people may be the risk takers, the leaps of faith, the backpackers, and my favorite the land livers. The people usually explore different avenues that society may not have offered them, different versions of success because success to them is not what society says. Success is not a high paying job, great house, or big bank account which society usually deems as “success”. Disagree with me if you want and I’m sure you will find holes in my logic but when you think about heading back to your high school reunion what do you dream of saying? Most people I have asked say they want to show how successful they are in their jobs and relationships, and how do we usually do this…with stuff, things, objects, ownership. Most back roaders just can’t play this game…they might get the nice car but it won’t make them happy because they got it for the wrong reasons.
Which I guess leads me into my next topic to discuss (it relates to the highway and back roads) and that is THE GAME. The game of society. Face it, society has norms, it is a culture, and it asks certain requirements of people. How many times were you told that you would only get a good job with a four year degree or more? How many times were you told you needed a good job to have a good life? This is the game…it is what media shows you, the “American Dream”. I might argue the “American Dream” is dead but that is for another post. A lot of people play the game and some win, some lose (can you guess who the winners are?) The highway drivers are the ones who can play the game, who WANT to play the game, who can abide by the rules happily. Back roaders….ehhh not so much. They don’t want to play, the game doesn’t work for them it doesn’t make them happy. Yeah I could have the big 3 story house and the brand new Honda Fit but will it really make me happy? For me, the answer is no. When I think about it the only reason I dreamed of these big things is because they were pushed on me, because other people told me to want them, not directly of course, but within all of those messages in media and school. I am slowly figuring out what really makes me happy, is freedom. Freedom to do as I please everyday of my life. Freedom to travel when I want, make what I want, discover what I want, and study what I want (when I want). This means I won’t be the A student, I might never have a 401k or even Health Insurance…security in life…bye bye! Transferring over to this school of thought is scary but necessary FOR ME. Not everyone needs to go through this and if you don’t then by all means BLESS YOUR LIFE. Basically I have to reroute 15 years of learning and teach myself a whole new set of rules. Switching from the highway to back roads is NOT an easy flip of the switch, it is going to take years to train myself to give up wanting to have what others have, to not compare myself to everyone else because then I’m always going to feel like I’m losing. Just because I am a back roader does mean that lifestyle is instantly ingrained in me, I do have to learn to love it and see it as equal because face it, society will not view me as equal or as successful. I have tried being a highway driver and all it got me failure after failure because I was trying a system I did not fit into, now that I have accepted I do not fit into the system comes the hard part…letting go of the expectations. Expectations from myself, my family, friends, and the rest of society. This is VERY difficult and the only person I know who has come close to complete acceptance is my friend Paul, who has been walking the back roads since middle school. My beloved friend Annie has been walking the back roads for YEARS and still struggles with letting go of expectations. It is a lifelong process to get used to, but once back roaders find the niche that makes them happy it usually gets just a little easier.
Like I said, there are flaws in my thinking, no doubt! But I’m only 22 so what can you expect from me? I’m struggling in school, financially, emotionally, and with my own identity. I’m in a process that will go on for some time so if my thoughts and attitudes change, bear with me readers, after all you are reading the blog of someone who will never really be over the age of 5…ever. I have found comfort in that though. I am one of very few adults given the gift of play, not everyone can continue to play as they get older because they feel they must be “mature” now and “act like an adult” haha! I feel no need to ever act my age and enjoy that I still have the ability to see the world through a child’s eye and an adult’s eye. Of course this means there are going to plenty of people who won’t be able to stand my personality because I will forever be “too immature” for them. If I am too immature for anyone though it’s probably best we aren’t friends anyway as I would probably think they are to stuffy to have any real fun. Hehe
So there are back roads and highways and no way is better than another, it just depends on your personality. I beg if you read this strangers (haha yeah right) take some time to think about who you are and what you really want and don’t be ashamed to admit you might be wrong! Plenty of people have graduated with Ph.D’s before they realize it’s not really what they want. It’s nothing to be ashamed or disappointed of and it doesn’t mean your life up to now has been a waste, you just gotta make the most of it and go find your happiness. Likewise DO NOT think you have to try the back roads if it’s not meant for you. If you’re really happy with your life then chances are you’re doing pretty good and stay the course.
So cheers to all those radical thinkers, out-of-the-box, back roaders! (and to those in-the-box highway drivers who keep the world running ;)…)
To me this concept is best described like this: There are highways and back roads. Most people drive on the highway, it's fast, convenient, accepted, and almost a sure fire win. You know where you are going to end and how long it will take to get there. The highway is the safest route, not always exciting but pleasant and predictable. Most people are happy taking the highway, in fact most people prefer it because it works. It was an old back road that worked for the majority of people in society so it became paved and pretty. People who are on the highway are simply people who can follow the path that society at one point said was best and this is not a bad thing. People on the highway may not always have it easy, as there are always potholes on roads but the place in which they usually do have it easy is acceptance into society. These are the people who make the everyday work, without them the world would crumble and fall because no one would be there to think about society as whole, what people need, what society wants. The highway also comes with pressures of its own, as it often asks that people who drive this route keep upstanding jobs at corporations, a good bank account, and a clear head. I would think that most people found on the highway are those realists who prefer security in life and their feet on the ground. (however I am aware that there are always outliers) The highway is a good wholesome road, it is the American road.
Then there are the back roads: often forgotten and neglected the back road can be bumpy and dangerous. It is not a chosen path but a destined one, one that may build strength in areas and potholes in others. There isn't anything to gain on the back roads but for some people, they simply cannot drive on the highway, there is something inside them that wants more. It is a personality difference, I guess you could say most back road drivers are the “anti-culture” as they want what society may not offer them. They may be the people who don’t usually “fit in” with society although I hate using this term because then it feels like out casting people and deeming anyone who drives the back roads as maybe…non upstanding citizens, which of course is complete bull. People who usually take back roads just have different definitions than society and must find their own way to their own happiness. These people may be the risk takers, the leaps of faith, the backpackers, and my favorite the land livers. The people usually explore different avenues that society may not have offered them, different versions of success because success to them is not what society says. Success is not a high paying job, great house, or big bank account which society usually deems as “success”. Disagree with me if you want and I’m sure you will find holes in my logic but when you think about heading back to your high school reunion what do you dream of saying? Most people I have asked say they want to show how successful they are in their jobs and relationships, and how do we usually do this…with stuff, things, objects, ownership. Most back roaders just can’t play this game…they might get the nice car but it won’t make them happy because they got it for the wrong reasons.
Which I guess leads me into my next topic to discuss (it relates to the highway and back roads) and that is THE GAME. The game of society. Face it, society has norms, it is a culture, and it asks certain requirements of people. How many times were you told that you would only get a good job with a four year degree or more? How many times were you told you needed a good job to have a good life? This is the game…it is what media shows you, the “American Dream”. I might argue the “American Dream” is dead but that is for another post. A lot of people play the game and some win, some lose (can you guess who the winners are?) The highway drivers are the ones who can play the game, who WANT to play the game, who can abide by the rules happily. Back roaders….ehhh not so much. They don’t want to play, the game doesn’t work for them it doesn’t make them happy. Yeah I could have the big 3 story house and the brand new Honda Fit but will it really make me happy? For me, the answer is no. When I think about it the only reason I dreamed of these big things is because they were pushed on me, because other people told me to want them, not directly of course, but within all of those messages in media and school. I am slowly figuring out what really makes me happy, is freedom. Freedom to do as I please everyday of my life. Freedom to travel when I want, make what I want, discover what I want, and study what I want (when I want). This means I won’t be the A student, I might never have a 401k or even Health Insurance…security in life…bye bye! Transferring over to this school of thought is scary but necessary FOR ME. Not everyone needs to go through this and if you don’t then by all means BLESS YOUR LIFE. Basically I have to reroute 15 years of learning and teach myself a whole new set of rules. Switching from the highway to back roads is NOT an easy flip of the switch, it is going to take years to train myself to give up wanting to have what others have, to not compare myself to everyone else because then I’m always going to feel like I’m losing. Just because I am a back roader does mean that lifestyle is instantly ingrained in me, I do have to learn to love it and see it as equal because face it, society will not view me as equal or as successful. I have tried being a highway driver and all it got me failure after failure because I was trying a system I did not fit into, now that I have accepted I do not fit into the system comes the hard part…letting go of the expectations. Expectations from myself, my family, friends, and the rest of society. This is VERY difficult and the only person I know who has come close to complete acceptance is my friend Paul, who has been walking the back roads since middle school. My beloved friend Annie has been walking the back roads for YEARS and still struggles with letting go of expectations. It is a lifelong process to get used to, but once back roaders find the niche that makes them happy it usually gets just a little easier.
Like I said, there are flaws in my thinking, no doubt! But I’m only 22 so what can you expect from me? I’m struggling in school, financially, emotionally, and with my own identity. I’m in a process that will go on for some time so if my thoughts and attitudes change, bear with me readers, after all you are reading the blog of someone who will never really be over the age of 5…ever. I have found comfort in that though. I am one of very few adults given the gift of play, not everyone can continue to play as they get older because they feel they must be “mature” now and “act like an adult” haha! I feel no need to ever act my age and enjoy that I still have the ability to see the world through a child’s eye and an adult’s eye. Of course this means there are going to plenty of people who won’t be able to stand my personality because I will forever be “too immature” for them. If I am too immature for anyone though it’s probably best we aren’t friends anyway as I would probably think they are to stuffy to have any real fun. Hehe
So there are back roads and highways and no way is better than another, it just depends on your personality. I beg if you read this strangers (haha yeah right) take some time to think about who you are and what you really want and don’t be ashamed to admit you might be wrong! Plenty of people have graduated with Ph.D’s before they realize it’s not really what they want. It’s nothing to be ashamed or disappointed of and it doesn’t mean your life up to now has been a waste, you just gotta make the most of it and go find your happiness. Likewise DO NOT think you have to try the back roads if it’s not meant for you. If you’re really happy with your life then chances are you’re doing pretty good and stay the course.
So cheers to all those radical thinkers, out-of-the-box, back roaders! (and to those in-the-box highway drivers who keep the world running ;)…)
Itchy Skin
My morning poem has inspired me to write so let's do an impromtu poem right now!
Never Be You
I wear red shoes
hardly ever watch the news
dream big but live small
I am me
not YOU
my life is not YOUR life
but that's okay I think
because my life is strange and exhilarating
and with misspelled words
A struggle to barely break even
I don't think just anyone could handle my life
My job will never be YOUR job
because my job must be free, allow me to explore and play
I could not sit in an office all day
or even for an hour
I must create
creating from nothing
is hard work
I don't think YOU could do
creating takes patience and frustration
not everyone can endure
My apartment will never be YOUR apartment
because my apartment must be me
and if anyone could walk into my apartment
and mistake it for another's
what a sad day it will be
My walls will never be YOUR walls
and unless they are covered in pictures and posters
expect them never to be white
for I live in a world of color and refused to be boxed in
My things will never be YOUR things
they will never be new or exciting
or flashy to show off my success
They will be dug up in rummage sales and basements
second hand stores and homemade gifts
As it seems the quality of finding treasure in other people's junk
has become a unique quality held by few today
but those people
who can find treasure in other people's junk
will be able to fill their homes with memories
of laughter, sadness, love, and sorrow
from people they will never know
they have the chance to be a part of an object's story
long and beautiful
appreciated through time, places, and people
and everything I own
has a history
And keeping something from sitting in a landfill
for just one more day
is special and kind of heroic
I think
my mind will never be YOUR mind
it plays like a child
observes like an adult
struggles to barely break into the middle of pack
sees hatred and chooses love
walks on it's own path
and is not even interested at whatever is in the box
It must pick itself up when I stumble and fall
A strength given to only a few in life
my voice will never be YOUR voice
it fights for what's right
advocates for those who cannot speak
and whispers kind words in the dark to strangers
hoping to give someone a smile
It will not go away when anyone tells it too
in fact it will just get louder
simply because it can
My heart will never be YOUR heart
cracked and weary
missing pieces
barely beating
but still strong and powerful
and able to stand
more than most other hearts
for it lives outside my chest
in another's hands
and for us to be apart but still together
it must be rather strong I think
so my life will never be YOUR life
but I wear red shoes.
Never Be You
I wear red shoes
hardly ever watch the news
dream big but live small
I am me
not YOU
my life is not YOUR life
but that's okay I think
because my life is strange and exhilarating
and with misspelled words
A struggle to barely break even
I don't think just anyone could handle my life
My job will never be YOUR job
because my job must be free, allow me to explore and play
I could not sit in an office all day
or even for an hour
I must create
creating from nothing
is hard work
I don't think YOU could do
creating takes patience and frustration
not everyone can endure
My apartment will never be YOUR apartment
because my apartment must be me
and if anyone could walk into my apartment
and mistake it for another's
what a sad day it will be
My walls will never be YOUR walls
and unless they are covered in pictures and posters
expect them never to be white
for I live in a world of color and refused to be boxed in
My things will never be YOUR things
they will never be new or exciting
or flashy to show off my success
They will be dug up in rummage sales and basements
second hand stores and homemade gifts
As it seems the quality of finding treasure in other people's junk
has become a unique quality held by few today
but those people
who can find treasure in other people's junk
will be able to fill their homes with memories
of laughter, sadness, love, and sorrow
from people they will never know
they have the chance to be a part of an object's story
long and beautiful
appreciated through time, places, and people
and everything I own
has a history
And keeping something from sitting in a landfill
for just one more day
is special and kind of heroic
I think
my mind will never be YOUR mind
it plays like a child
observes like an adult
struggles to barely break into the middle of pack
sees hatred and chooses love
walks on it's own path
and is not even interested at whatever is in the box
It must pick itself up when I stumble and fall
A strength given to only a few in life
my voice will never be YOUR voice
it fights for what's right
advocates for those who cannot speak
and whispers kind words in the dark to strangers
hoping to give someone a smile
It will not go away when anyone tells it too
in fact it will just get louder
simply because it can
My heart will never be YOUR heart
cracked and weary
missing pieces
barely beating
but still strong and powerful
and able to stand
more than most other hearts
for it lives outside my chest
in another's hands
and for us to be apart but still together
it must be rather strong I think
so my life will never be YOUR life
but I wear red shoes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)