A Reoccurring Problem

I have so many thoughts and emotions buzzing in my brain right now. I'm sitting at work and I can't even sit still my mind is at that much unrest. It is not all bad but all of my thoughts screaming at once leaves me in a peculiar state. This happens to be a reoccurring trend however frustrating. I think a lot about a lot of things and I don't know if sometimes the feeling of not having people to constantly share things with keeps me from blurting out all the crazy in my head but now it's just packed in there screaming to be heard.

I know I have friends, and most of them DO take at least some time to listen to me and I try not to blame other people when I feel it is unjust because it is me. I don't trust easy, if I feel someone may make fun of or dismiss my ideas I don't openly share them because I don't want to be hurt. In fact, that is how I am with everything. In my head it think it is fair, if you don't want to hear it I won't share it. Most of the time I keep a tight control on matters like this, and I apologize for the moments these thoughts burst from mouth like a cup overflowing with coffee. There are lots of things I wish I could share that people do not want to hear and I respect that but it leaves me a few things to say to people. I keep a lid on many thoughts because friends have either expressed verbally or non verbally that they are not interested in hearing about such topics. I also keep a lid on a lot of things because when I speak my mind, someone always takes it personally and is offended or hurt when (please understand) it is rarely my intention to do so (though I won't lie sometimes it is). I ALSO keep a lid on things because my mind is a very strange place and if I opened it freely people would see just HOW strange it is and (although many would deny this, I know it would happen by little experiments I have tried) many of my friends would never talk to me again, think I'm crazy or just too bizarre a person to be friends with.

Anyways, this usually means many thoughts stay bottled up in my head (again for my protection) but then days like this pop up when the bottle explodes and spew crazy over everyone. These days are hard because it usually means I should NOT be around people but I should not be around myself either. I get all twitchy and excited about every little thing (OMG YOU MADE MAC N CHEESE!!!! I MAKE MAC N CHEESE TOOOOO!!!!!!<---as an example hahaha)

This made sound random but this is why I also wish I had a dancers body. On days like this, singing and dancing (physical release really) are extremely therapeutic. They allow me to release the pent up crazy that has been bottled up so long I feel it aching in my body. If I was tall and had long legs I would like to think I would have become a dancer. Alas, I am 5'3" with the shortest legs of anybody I know (baby legs really). Also, I can sometimes be a little rhythmically challenged in my body. So my release usually stayed in my room but these past couple of years my rooms have been small and difficult to dance wildly in and concerts (where I would also get release) have been sparse which makes me sad. It doesn't help this year I'm on the main floor right by the door and the bathroom so people can easily catch me being stupid which makes me uncomfortable. Hopefully by days end I can find a release. I hate being crazy. It really is a miracle nobody has had me locked up by now. hahahahahahahahahahaha

Where does this come from?

You can tell me all of my faults, but if you fail to realize the faults in yourself what do you gain? I know I'm not perfect. I've accepted that fact years ago. When I fell and nobody picked me up I learned to stand on my own. When nobody had the answers my questions I learned to discover things on my own. Pain is never pretty but it has become an inspiration in my life. I don't wish pain on anyone. When I called your name and you didn't answer I felt cold inside. When you never came, I hardened. You never gave me an explanation. I didn't understand where I went wrong. How could someone who loved me so, use me and drop me like a rock. I paint my walls black these days. I tuck you away where you can't hurt me. When you try again, I won't cry this time. Although life may try and drown me, I still smile when I can. I don't call out your name anymore, I've learned my lesson. 1,2,3,4...how many people made me believe they cared for me when in reality they played me like a fiddle to get exactly what they want. When they've had enough they dump me like trash. They took pieces of me without any consideration and kept them leaving me half alive. Now you've awoken a corpse. I like to think I play you all now like marionettes in my game but I can't do it. I can't play you like that. But rest assured, if I catch you at your game...I will eat your head.

I don't even have anything to offer people, what the hell did you think you could take from me?

So it seems....

So it seems that I'm only your friend when you decide you want me to be. Thanks. Glad to know where I stand. I was confused for a while but I see clearly now how it works.

Reminder, it's OK to give yourself a break every once in while

School is busy. Job 1 is busy. Job 2 will get busier. I'm not the only dealing with situations like this, where stress mounts on stress and it wears you thin. Yesterday I had a crappy day. Not being able to find my phone, mounted with a ton of schoolwork I had to do, stress over some personal relationships, and (what happened to be the cake topper that day) realizing I had purchased about $65 dollars of unusable yarn pushed me over the edge yet again. After several unsuccessful attempts to wind my yarn I lost it and broke down in the (thankfully empty) knits lab. I just wanted to go home but I had class, work, and homework still to content too that night. Also worried about my phone (which doubles as my alarm clock) I didn't think I was going to get any sleep. I stopped by my teacher's office (face still red) to say that if I was edgy tomorrow it was because today just seemed so awful. She gently reminded me that I NEED sleep and not to worry so much about class, "you're having a crappy day" she said "go home, make some hot cocoa and get some sleep." I left her office not wanting to listen to the words she said I felt I had SO MUCH to do!

I made it home close to 10:00pm after work, I was making dinner when I felt I kept hearing phantom phones vibrating...reminding me of my sad lost one. I (kinda of randomly) decided to check my purse yet again (I had checked several times before) as I was still convinced I had my phone when I got home Sunday. Turns out my phone had gone into a back pocket that had a hole in it and straight into the lining the phone fell. Even though I had searched in my bag, the gap between the lining and the shell of the bag is rather large so I had been searching in the right place just not feeling the gap fully until now. I felt so relieved!!!!! I decided to eat dinner and get back to work, even though I was pretty exhuasted from the day. As I sat down for dinner (and some Twin Peaks yeah!!!) my adorable kitty jumped up and curled up in my lap (which she hadn't done in a while). That's when a quote from Twin Peaks jumped into my mind

"every day, once a day, give yourself a present. Don't plan it; don't wait for it; just let it happen. It could be a new shirt in a men's store, a catnap in your office chair, or two cups of good, hot, black, coffee"

That's when I decided to take my teachers (and Special Agent Dale Cooper's) advice and give myself the present of a night off. 

Like I said previously, I'm not a religious girl but I do have faith. Faith in good people, faith in myself, faith in something beyond myself, call it God/Fate/whatever you please. 

I started to think that maybe sometimes we have crappy days to remind ourselves it's OK to take a break. I don't always believe "when God closes a door, he opens a window" but I do think crappy days can solve problems we wouldn't have even known existed if things had gone perfectly. If my yarn had wound wonderfully that day I would have decided to keep working the cheap acrylic I was only sort of happy with but because it caused a meltdown I decided to look for other yarn and found some online that was much higher quality for a cheaper price (and the color selection was OUTSTANDING). 

Taking the night off and giving my mind some rest has rejuvenated myself for the oncoming week. It allowed ideas to "cook" in my brain a little more and for the first time in a while I fell asleep smiling. Usually no matter what, during a crappy day it will always just seem crappy but yesterday gave me a new insight that when you can, appreciate the crappy the days. They often can be eye opening if not at least refreshing when you learn to accept them.

So for all of you out there like me, who find it hard to give themselves a break sometimes. It's OK, in fact it's better than if you try and push yourself beyond your limits. When you find yourself starting to beat yourself up for all the things going on, walk away from what you're working on, grab a hot cocoa and BREATHE. In a world as crazy and frustrating as this one mental health days are a must. It's OK to have a night off to yourself. If you often find yourself forgetting the cut yourself a break like me, remember that nobody's perfect and think honestly "what's the worst that can happen?" As my friend Paul would tell you "As long as you are alive, your winning, beyond that it doesn't really matter."

Thanks Paul,  yet again!

So it was a crappy day but a good night. Here's hoping the rest of the week will run smoothly.

Geez, Ain't It Great!

Yesterday sometime between arriving at Walmart after yarn shopping in Eau Claire and leaving for work I lost my phone. Although I swear I remember bringing it inside the house, after having my roommate call my phone (trying to listen intently as OF COURSE it was on vibrate) I still cannot locate it. Which means it somehow got lost at Walmart, even though I never took my phone out at Walmart and didn't even purchase anything. I checked my car, nada. I won't be going home until Thanksgiving but I don't think my phone plan is up until after then which means I have no idea when I will even be able to replace it. I don't get calls or text very often (sometimes going a week or more without my phone ringing or dinging once) but without it I surprisingly feel very cut off from everyone. Now I don't even have the opportunity to talk to my friends or family and I can't call Walmart to see if they found a lost phone (which I'm sure nobody would turn it in, even though it's a little piece of shit) because I DON'T HAVE A PHONE. I would use my roommates but I worked until 1am when everyone else was already asleep and was up and out the door before anyone was awake and won't be back home until about bedtime again tonight. Not only do I have no way of talking to anyone, now I also don't have an alarm clock (which makes me afraid to go to sleep), or a mp3 player (which just makes me sad). Although school is going better it's still stressful and the added stress of not knowing where my phone is (and what the jackass who possibly took it is doing with it) is going to wear me awful this week and if I can't sleep because I don't have a way to wake up, I can tell it's going to be a looooooooonnnnnggg exhausting week filled with lots of coffee.

But school had been getting better, although it was still stressful I felt so much more positive about things. I was smiling again, and able to take moments to relax. But after losing my phone (which I still can't figure out HOW it even happened!) I can't help but to think "Can't a girl get a break for once?" I'm starting to think if there is a God, he enjoys being a mean little bully to me way too much. Good thing I don't believe in religion, I guess.


Sorry for the rant, but I just don't have anyone to talk to anymore. My friends are either to busy to talk to me or don't want to talk to me anymore (as I've been told). I feel isolated and lonely but here is the only pity party I get because after this post it is right back to the grind.

sigh.


I just really wish life would cut me a break for once.
I could really use it.
but you know what? Yeah fucking right, I'm never going to get one it seems.
Can I give up yet?

Drowning

I think it has been quite obvious that in last weeks my posts have been infrequent and downtrodden. It is no surprise I am drowning. Between my huge workload for classes and two jobs sleep is infrequent, food is infrequent but tears are in abundance. After declaring that I would not break this semester I humbly bow that I am broken. If it were not for my parents supporting me in school I am quite sure I would have dropped out by now but happily (and thankfully...sorta) I am still here. My mental stability might not be much but I am holding on. I am hoping through my descent into my own madness; by setting myself on fire I will be born again from the ashes like a Phoenix. This descent is unlike any other I have in school, I am up, down, fighting, resting. It saddens me a bit that all last semester I worked hard on figuring out who I was, even going to a counselor, and came summer I felt refreshed and free. Now I am thrown back into the struggle to once again face one on one with myself and the winner remains undetermined. In my heart I know I'm worthwhile, I know I have drive, passion, I know I'm a good person. In my heart I know I can conquer life (in my heart I'm Fionna from Adventure Time haha). In my head however there's a completely different story. Inside my head I battle constantly with a part of me that yearns to be seen, yearn for someone to care about what I'm doing and the other part of me that screams "I DO NOT CARE!" I will do what I want to do and if someone doesn't approve, well suck it. Finding a balance between these two is harder than you might think. I battle polar opposite feelings, almost polar opposite personalities. It's a feeling that rips me down the middle. It's hard to explain and sadly only those who have delt with it seem to really understand. Everyone else tries, god bless em, but fails to see that it's not a switch I can turn on and off. It's a piece of who I am, one that refuses to die.

I can't promise from here on out I will be better. I miss my friends, I feel shunned in some ways and I battle that too. I will work to do my best but you are not reading a fairy tale, more likely a tragedy and with any hope an encouraging story of a battered hero.

A part of me wishes I knew what you wanted me to say. What are looking to hear? Do you get pissed off when blab like this, do you no longer believe that I will ever change? Do you turn your head and pretend not to see. Look, look at the monstrous being wriggling on the floor beneath you. Stare and accept there is nothing you can do.

Spewing Word Vomit From A Busted Brain

I have been meaning to write but school stressors and stress about WHAT to write have kept me at bay. Granted, these postings are mostly for nobody, just me to splurge the mashings of brain out when I don't know where to turn. Every once in a while then I read over old posts and begin to think "I really have nothing to say..." I try and make commentary about life but I know so many of my friends who are waaaaay better at it than I. Oh well.

I will try and cover the span of crazy that has flown around this brain in the last three weeks but I'm sure I will fail.

School.
     is getting to me. I want to be done and although a part of me feels nowhere ready to be out in the real world I itch for the days when I can just work. When I don't feel guilty for going to bed or spending time on other interests of mine. I'm sick of being judged and feeling a constant pressure to perform in ways that just don't work for me. I don't like that there are categories of good student and bad and even worse, invisible. I don't like being told that if I don't follow these certain steps I basically don't have a future. I can't help it that I'm not cutthroat or super competitive, I just don't believe in those ideals. I can't condone using people and stepping on others to get to the top. Maybe that makes me naive but I would rather die knowing I had done my best to be a good person and see the good in people than die knowing I have money in the bank. I will admit that I am freaked out about where the future could take me. Right now, I could go anywhere. I am looking in specfically several cities I think I would like to live in and a part of me feels bad for saying this but Milwaukee is currently not one of them. It's not that I don't like Milwaukee either but I want to go places and I worry that if I don't leave the city now, I never will. But leaving will break quite a big mold that I have seen very few people actually break. What if I don't make it in another city, I can forsee everyone's laughing faces "I told you so!!!! Guess you shoulda stayed in Milwuakee"

I'm just tired of "I told you so"


Maybe it's stupid, but it bothers me when my friends don't text back...I try and text people because I want to talk to them, but responses are usually rare.

Speaking of which....

I love my new house, I love my roommates...I don't like that as I feel like I'm getting closer to my friends in Menomonie I'm drifting farther from my friends at home. All of these people are important to me and I really don't want to give up anyone. I'm trying to find a win-win situation in this but I'm finding it incredibly hard. My friends are very important to me and it would make me sad if it was not the same the other way around.

I feel weird today, like my intuition is acting up but yet again about what I do not know.....

So even though I said I would try and cover the last three weeks, I'm feeling to exhausted and anxious to keep writing. Most of it would have been project related anyways, which I'm even if anyone was reading this they probably would have skimmed over it. Actually your probably just skimming over all of this right now too. Oh hi! Did I catch attention?  Well lucky for you, you don't have to fake interest anymore this post is done.

over and out.

It matters. Or it doesn't. Or something like that.

If you could have the life you dreamed, guaranteed, for only one night (no exceptions) would you take it? Almost always the sounding reply is an enthusiastic yes but I've also noticed most everyone who actually answers this question already pretty much has everything they want in life (well, at least currently). Now don't run off, if you think I am going to sit here and be a whiny critic of life (which I usually am) because I too would say yes. I wouldn't say my "yes" is more justified persay but I will note that I know how it feels to loose a piece of your life you thought would be your future. I also know those blissful moments when it seems the world is put back together and those blissful moments can take any resounding pain away. When you find "home" in life you just know it, from the very gut of belly, to the butterflies in your stomach, to the chest-bursting pounding heart, and the head in the clouds, you just know it. However, you might realize you know it (or don't know it) for years. After you know it, it then takes years to begin to comprehend WHY you know it, beyond that it take time to realize HOW you know WHY you know you're "home". I know the list goes on from there but I'm not old and dead yet so I haven't quite figured it out. Still, you know those resounding moments of clarity when suddenly everything makes sense and you make some big discovery about yourself? Yeah, treasure those moments. 

I don't really know where I am going with this except that when you know something is right and you get have those right moments in life, take every opportunity. Relish it and cherish it. Understand it and know it. Don't let anyone else tell you "you are wrong" because only you know what makes you happy (and hopefully why it makes you happy). "God" may close doors but there is no guarantee a window will ever open up. Life is fleeting and our hearts are forever beating closer to the grave. Your time may not be now but when you have it, love it.

and now, something completely different!

You're not perfect

I see that now

You're no prince charming

Like the others dream of

You walk your own path

I like that

I like that though

they say you can't be fixed

I can see you fixing all the time

I like walking at night

I like that you like walking at night

I like the way you move

(it makes me laugh)

I like that I know you don't really like my driving

(I don't like my driving either)

Your mind is filled with random facts

You know, I also think I like that

I know you're not perfect

I can see that now

but it's all your imperfections

I treasure and enjoy

I like that.

This Is A Post.

I have been trying to write for the longest time. So many unfinished posts sit on my dashboard, taunting me with  incomplete ideas and a failure to say the things I long to. It has been an odd weekend, not in the sense that odd things have happened but in the sense that I feel odd. Like my intuition is tingling, trying to tell me something, but I cannot decipher it and at least right now this unsettling feeling in my stomach is leaving me, well unsettled. 

As portfolio pushes on I have to think more and more about the story I want to tell because my portfolio has to tell the story of me. So who am I? What story is in me to tell? And do I have the courage to tell it? This coupled with late nights talking to Paul about nearly anything and everything has left me in a constant state of questioning. When I first came up with the idea for my portfolio (a semi post-apocalyptic graphic novelish theme) I was so excited and ready to put up a fight. After feeling like finally someone saw something in me, a monster within me awoke.

This monster, is in fact, myself. The personality within me I always felt but peers and society successfully beaten into submission. When I was really young I had a "vivid imagination" that seemed to be accepted by adults and other children but as I left elementary school there suddenly seemed to be the idea that you needed to "grow up" when entering middle school. When I failed to meet that standard was when I started noticing the guilt that comes along with being different. Right off the bat because of the way our middle school was set up each kid was put into a house. By chance, I ended up in House D which of course other kids taunted me "House D is for Dumb, that's where the retards go". I knew that wasn't the reason and the insults slid off my back...for a while. I soon became either a mockery or invisible. I like to read, which made me "weird" to other kids. Seventh grade proved no better being teased for my obsession with Harry Potter, even by teachers. I continued to be knocked down when a close friend started the rumor that I was lesbian when I cut my hair short. To further the wound another friend taunted "is it a she or is it a he" when I briefly attempted to change my nickname to Iz. It was then I noticed the monster within in me. Then when images of hanging girls and dark poetry seeped into my life. I shared this with no one of course, fearing what others might say of my monster. To add to the pile it was around this time when my friends and some family started exhibiting stressed emotional problems and I couldn't unleash my monster on those who were hurting. Most of middle school I have tried to block out of my memory and what remains are old feelings of a constant pain and a heavy weight. Every time I tried to express myself, it was sure to be beaten out of me and taunted till I could no longer handle the heckling laughs behind my back. My peers became my enemies, my writing became my solace and my monster sulked into a cave, tired of fighting. High school brought little relief as again I found I was either invisible or fodder for other people to stomp on in their pursuit to feel better about themselves. I remember artwork being smashed, fights, being told (via a written message on my biology desk) that I should kill myself, being asked out as joke twice, and the constant nagging that I needed to "grow up" and "act normal". A small relief came when I found another monster like me and for a brief time my monster could roar with happiness and my fear of being myself became almost an ancient memory. To this day, it remains the best time of my life; a time of freedom, a time to feel accepted, a time to learn how to love myself for the monster I was, a time to understand that even though I was created differently than everyone else did not mean I was less than everyone else. My monster lover was just like me, built differently. Early on we had decided that because we didn't deserve each other, we deserved each other. But all good things must come to an end and because I am simply to much of a monster, my monster lover had to leave me. That time until now however, is a different story. One my monster may never be able to tell.  That being said my monster has settled into a discontented silence. Until now. Until I felt like I may finally have power again. My monster has burst forth with a angry growl and consumed what was left of careful facade I had built until I no longer recognize myself in the mirror. It feels great.

Until...

Until I talked to Paul. Expressing my delight in being ready to give the world a giant middle finger, he simply asked why I was so angry. After talking I walked away confused and deep in thought.

When it comes to how we have be treated in the past, how much can we hold on to? Can we ever let go of the pain people have caused? I have read so many blogs and inspirational messages that people have thrown may way in hopes of cheering me up but now I wonder if it really is all bullshit. Paul's statement of "if you want to be yourself just be yourself, fuck what others think" echoes in my head. If all we are (personality wise) is a mash of past experiences is there ever really a chance of letting go? It's easier said then done to shake off past and move on without that burden in your heart. At the same time I understand there isn't much point of holding onto that bitterness. I don't care what other people think, what I do care about is why they think what they think.

How is it we have come to a society built on stepping over others. If you don't step all over people your made to feel worthless, made to be stepped on. How have we become so indifferent? It's OK to label people, treat people like shit, because they'll "get over it" eventually. And suddenly I realize my anger isn't directed towards anyone specific, it's directed towards an idea. I'm sick of society that's indifferent, that can turn it's head and pretend not to see the ugliness in the world. When people are so indifferent we forget how much we can hurt people and that those feelings don't go away. We make people invisible and kick them in the face until they become what we want them to. Life isn't a contest, it isn't a whose right and whose wrong. You can't judge anybody else because there isn't anyway to walk a mile in someone else's shoes. I know other people have, are, and will deal with what I have but it is my deepest prayer that if I can succeed at one thing in life, just one, it would be to inspire just one other person to be themselves and fight the good fight. If just one other person like me could grow up being themselves without feeling like a monster, without feeling inhumane. Then maybe life is all worthwhile. Then maybe the tears I shed, the anger I feel will peel away like the skin of an orange. 

But then again, maybe I will just always be a monster.

Such is life. 

In Search Of It

I wanted to find myself, so I looked in the mirror
but I was not there.
So I went to look at my pictures,
but I was not there.
I thought I could find myself in my clothing, so I went to my closet.
But I was not there.
I thought I could find myself in Faith, so I went to a church.
I was not there.
I walked around the woods, and listened to the trees and wind.
But all they told me, was that I was not there.
I thought I could find myself in my bed, so I went to lie in it.
But I was not there.
I thought I could find myself in music, so I listened for days.
But I was not there.
I thought I could find myself in my art, so I drew throughout the night.
But I was not there.
I thought I could find myself in the sun, so I went and bathed in it.
But I was not there.
I thought I could find myself in school, so I went and immersed myself in it.
 But I was not there.
I thought I could find myself in a bottle, so I drank it but when it was empty I found
I was not there.
I thought I could find myself in my friends, so I hung out with them
and although I thought I nearly found it still I was not there.
I thought I might meander the earth forever, without myself but forever looking
and so I was encased in fear and yet I found I was not there.
I went to see you, lost without myself
and there on your back
I found myself.
You did not see me
You do not see me
I wanted to go finding myself
And found
I found you
And in finding you
I found myself.

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

As always I usually try to remain writing when the summer comes and never do, so here I am again. Scratching my way back to this lonely blog of mis-adventures and random writings. At least it's fun. Soon I will be heading back to Menomonie for my *fingers crossed* LAST year of school! I'm ready to be done with school but no lie, I'm panicking about joining the real world. All I've known is school and I'm terrified that I will falter and fail when put to the test in an actual job. The other half is I have no idea WHERE I will be when school is done. I would love to go back to Denver, I was there once a long time ago and it stole my heart. I enjoyed every minute in Denver and feel I owe it to myself to return and see if I can find home there. At least I know now that my cat always seems to find home on my lap (or my computer).

I started this blog to help me find myself, discover who I was, and every year I head to school beaming with excitement that maybe *THIS* year I will truly find myself and by each spring my head is more clouded and confused than ever. It makes me wonder why some people figure themselves out so early on in life while others, like me, struggle year after year. I used to be jealous of the people who seemed to have everything figured out in life because everything seemed so easy. In my bitter state I tried to maintain the face that I simply did not care and secretly wept that I felt so behind everyone else. Now, sitting here, with some of my friends married and all other friends engaged I can honestly say I am ECSTATIC to make a mess of life. All my life I've bitterly prayed for security in life and now facing it with all of my friends I find myself happy to turn my back on security for wilderness. As my friends move forward in life, I find myself ready to fall backwards into the dark, endless pit of uncertainty. To be honest it was no big life change that brought me to this point but simply trust. Trust in life that it will be what is will be, good or bad, exciting or boring, I am who I am. My old roommate was shocked once when I told her I did not pre-write and edit my posts here. But this blog is not for pre-writing or editing. It is the honest, brutal, and most often boring expedition of a real life. Real life cannot be edited and thus neither should I.

So I may not have money, a boyfriend, a great social life, nice new things, a car, a great paying job, or everything figured out but what I do have? I have AMAZING friends, a supportive family, amazing journeys behind me, amazing journeys ahead of me, a strong will, a beating heart, and the cutest cat. So even if I don't "have it all" I've got a long amazing life to go find it all.

Cathartic Confessions from a Twisted Soul

Just tumbled words about on page, mean nothing to nobody but the person who speaks them. Speaks nothing to somebody but the person who choses to hear them. Is something to those who only decide it should be.

Is it strange if I long to memorize your eyes and all that they capture? How different they seem through the eyes of a lens than through the lenses of my eyes. How I long to know the story they tell, how I long to hear your words escape your mouth in any form, in any string, just so I can hear you speak and know your brain.

You tick, like a clock, I must know the inner workings! What cogs make you work? An insight on you could be a reflection of me and knowing you I hope to know myself for only you have been able to show me who I am.

Too often I seek answers in this dark tunnel but it is questions I should ask. What happens when you do not answer, is it me that cannot hear? Or you who turns from me?

Too often I want to be in your grasp again, too often I want to be home in you. Somehow I have found comfort in my travels, excitement in the seeking. Adventure is what my soul needs but too often I long for home in you.

Is it strange if I want to carry your burden? I want to feel your weight in my arms, you are the only burden I choose to carry. For now, I feel weightless, in some sense I do not like it.

I hate when you think of me in a dark place, I am in light every day and even if some "monsters" are not always kept at bay I like where I am. My heart is home and there it will stay, do not pity me. Do not think I complain.


I wish I could draw the twisted things my mind sees but my Hand cannot connect to the paper. Damn you.

I like peeling dead skin, so I can look at the grooves that identify me but are no longer connected to me.

My eyes are very pretty, I wish you would tell me that sometimes.

We call people who differ from us and have a hard time living in society Psychotic, this seems derogatory to me, I wish it did to others too.

I censor myself because some swear words just always sound mean when they come out of my mouth

I hate calling anything I write a poem, even if that is what it technically is. I don't know why I hate poetry so much (unless it's written by David McWane).

Sometimes I wish my life was important enough to author a book, but even I would be bored reading it.

People always tell me life is not like the movies and can never be, only recently I began to wonder "why not?" I am ashamed only that it took me this long to question.

I like hearing advice from people but too often I realize I hate taking it because it almost always leads to actions that aren't myself, and then I feel bad for betraying me.

I like using playing cards to read tarot, but I never tell people what they say.

I wonder if some of the secrets I keep in my head are more for other's protection then mine.

I want to be a character, it will be a life long quest, one that I sometimes fear will destroy me.

If I never feel at home anywhere, where will I end up?

I used to fear my friends would commit me to a mental institution, then I began to fear no one would care enough to even notice or try.

I don't fear either of the above anymore.

I still cry for the dog I lost five years ago and no matter how much I believe in fate and things happening for a reason I am still pissed she was taken so early. To this day it remains one of the very few things in life I think is unfair and unjustified.

Sometimes I really want to get another pet because I honestly DO think my cat is lonely.

It brakes my heart when you sound lonely.

I like the way you sound tired, even if I make fun of it.

I miss you. I think in the end I really just wanted to say that.

Please

Please
How can I beg anymore?
Please
Can't you see my knees are raw from being on the floor?
Please
'Till the word loses all meaning
Please
Won't you hear me?
Please
Don't ask that of me
Please
Stop forcing it on me
Please
Look at me for who I really am
Plase
try to understand
Please
Can't you see I'm bending
Please
I've broken already
Please
In pleading not in pleasure
Please
Without terms and without measure
Please
Look into my eyes
Please
Don't simply dispise
Please
I cannot ask again
Please
Is there to much to mend?
Please
Don't read to much into this
Please
Really I insist
Please
These are just words on a page
Please
There are too many words to say
Please
I don't know all of them yet
Please
Have patience for what I do not get
Please
Stop staring at me so
Please
Forgive and let me go
Please
This is taking a turn for the worse
Please
Take whatever from my purse
Please
This was all just an expirement
Please
My decisions I don't regret
Please
Don't make me feel like I should
Please
If I had to do it again I really would
Please
I'm getting stuck in a loop
Please
I hate jumping through your hoops
Please
My head is in a fog
Please
You make me feel like your dog
Please
Don't jerk me around like this
Please
Don't make an angry fist
Please
don't think that you is you
Please
who is you if you is me?
Please
Stop expecting so much from me
Please
I surely fail don't you see?
Please
I'm not that person you want me to be
Please
I'm not what anybody thinks of me
Please
I can see we are so similar
Please
But is this feeling to familiar?
Please
How long will this go?
Please
I really want to know
Please
Could I end it at anytime
Please
Simply type one last ryhme
Please
Then send off to the grave
Please
Remember all that I gave
Please
Can't you see I'm having fun?
Please
Can I have one last run?
Please
My fingers run across the keys
Please
Begging without ease
Please
I'll say it once just again
Please
Hear my pleading without end.




...That was a fun experiment, started with just one word then went and went...you all wish I would just shut up don't you? BUT THE MYSTERY INSUES!!!!!!

Another Round My Dear?

WHAM!

The fist hit her cheek with surprising force, heat and pain radiated upwards through her eye and across her forhead. Tomorrow there would be a bruise. She hung her head attempting to shield the welling tears from her opponent.

"I don't want to fight you," she mumbled.
"I don't care," was the only reply.

She took the hits gracefully, revelling in the feeling of each pound of the fist. Her whole body was warm and pulsing, something was being born inside her. She felt a thin sheet of ice start to cover her heart but she shook it off immediatly. This will change me she spoke in her mind but it will not beat me.

"why won't you fight back?" her opponent sneered as they brought their arm up for another punch.

"beacause I don't need to," she replied weakly as she slumped to the floor.

.............

The yellow bathroom light stung her eyes as she woke, she hated those lights or was it the wallpaper? She tried to hoist herself up on one arm but her palm slipped in the pool of blood and she crashed back onto floor.

"dammit"

Blood smeared everywhere; over the walls, her body, the floor, the toilet, only the shower seemed white. The mixture of the yellow light, or was it the wallpaper, and deep red made her stomach turn. She faced the mirror to look upon her swollen face, caked and streaked with blood. She ran her fingers gently across her cheek and closed her eyes feeling the raised lines of dried blood and the textures of mixed blood, hair, skin and perhaps a bit of dirt.

"I am no victim"

She would not pity herself, she would not complain most likely she wouldn't even clean herself off for the day. She crawled out of the dingy bathroom and hoisted herself up on the hallway wall. She limped slowly down the hallway and stairs leaving bits of smeared blood on the peeling walls and warped wood floor. Ahead of her sunlight streamed in from the large sliding patio doors. She placed a dirty hand on the glass and smiled from the warmth as she pushed it gently to the left. It slid open with a low muffled whine and she took a gentle step onto the bright green grass. The only thing beautiful about her home was the grass, taking care of the grass was all she could afford, all she cared about. She walked only a few feet through the soft blades before falling to her knees and slumping completely to the ground. She smiled as her stained skin soaked in the warmth of the sun and her sore eyelids closed gently. Today was a good day.

To....

I love you, just the way you are. Don't change if you don't want to, but if you do I will love you still. Bear your soul, you are no monster to me but rather the brightest light in my world, that will never change. Feel no pressure, I accept you as you are I see your imperfections and I love them for what they are and that is why you are still perfect. Don't rush or run, there is no need I will always be standing here and if I am not facing you just tap my shoulder for you know I will be sad if you pass me without saying "hello". Smile, it is beautiful when you do and when you smile it spreads like wildfire, merely thinking of it stretches my own lips across my face. Laugh, and laugh loudly because there is no such thing as laughing too loud and I want to hear your laugh in all parts of the world where ever I may be. Cry, embrace crying and know that these tears will to soon pass and inevitably more will follow but there is no shame in crying for it shows you are human capable in being hurt and mustn't we all be hurt in our lives at some point? Be

Be Yourself. The easiest statement to make but the hardest to live. If you try I promise I will too and I think we will be surprised at what comes out of it. There is no greater beauty than you to me. Be ashamed of nothing and nobody. You are a small part in the play of life and the audience has no say so why give them that power? Why sit on stage and wait for an answer you don't need? And though you may just be a small part in the play of life remember you are cast a much larger part in my heart and soul. Lean on me, because I ask you to. Do not seek happiness, because it cannot be found, captured, confined, or taken. Happiness is a chance you choose to receive, live life as you please and I promise happiness you will receive. Listen to what others say but don't be afraid to not heed their advice if you know it isn't for you.

I love you more than any word in existence and you are welcome anytime.

Ring Ring

Hello America, It's your nation calling and your people crying. Will you answer the call?

Highways and Back Roads...Thoughts On Life.

I have been mulling over this post for a while. To explain a viewpoint in life that I have been struggling, to describe an intriguing thought. It is not fully thought out but I don’t think I could fully think through this entire concept in one lifetime. Because it is a viewpoint on life, realize it comes from a bias though I try to be as non biased as possible and realize as well it is not perfect, much like myself. I have been recollecting recently about why I named my blog Adventures on the Low Road. I can remember still, sitting on a couch in the Memorial Student Center rethinking names and trying to find the best to fit my life. Instantly I discarded the obvious Indie references and didn't want it really to have anything indicating fashion in the title either. I am no "fashionista" and never wanted to give off that impression. I am simply a practically invisible girl who wanted a blog for herself (assuming no one would read it but me). My life is not always adventurous but life itself is always an adventure, that is key. The low road came from the concept of their being different paths in life, most people take the high road-the one most accepted. I wanted to invite people into a place a little more dark and possibly dangerous but sometimes a little more rewarding.

To me this concept is best described like this: There are highways and back roads. Most people drive on the highway, it's fast, convenient, accepted, and almost a sure fire win. You know where you are going to end and how long it will take to get there. The highway is the safest route, not always exciting but pleasant and predictable. Most people are happy taking the highway, in fact most people prefer it because it works. It was an old back road that worked for the majority of people in society so it became paved and pretty. People who are on the highway are simply people who can follow the path that society at one point said was best and this is not a bad thing. People on the highway may not always have it easy, as there are always potholes on roads but the place in which they usually do have it easy is acceptance into society. These are the people who make the everyday work, without them the world would crumble and fall because no one would be there to think about society as whole, what people need, what society wants. The highway also comes with pressures of its own, as it often asks that people who drive this route keep upstanding jobs at corporations, a good bank account, and a clear head. I would think that most people found on the highway are those realists who prefer security in life and their feet on the ground. (however I am aware that there are always outliers) The highway is a good wholesome road, it is the American road.

Then there are the back roads: often forgotten and neglected the back road can be bumpy and dangerous. It is not a chosen path but a destined one, one that may build strength in areas and potholes in others. There isn't anything to gain on the back roads but for some people, they simply cannot drive on the highway, there is something inside them that wants more. It is a personality difference, I guess you could say most back road drivers are the “anti-culture” as they want what society may not offer them. They may be the people who don’t usually “fit in” with society although I hate using this term because then it feels like out casting people and deeming anyone who drives the back roads as maybe…non upstanding citizens, which of course is complete bull. People who usually take back roads just have different definitions than society and must find their own way to their own happiness. These people may be the risk takers, the leaps of faith, the backpackers, and my favorite the land livers. The people usually explore different avenues that society may not have offered them, different versions of success because success to them is not what society says. Success is not a high paying job, great house, or big bank account which society usually deems as “success”. Disagree with me if you want and I’m sure you will find holes in my logic but when you think about heading back to your high school reunion what do you dream of saying? Most people I have asked say they want to show how successful they are in their jobs and relationships, and how do we usually do this…with stuff, things, objects, ownership. Most back roaders just can’t play this game…they might get the nice car but it won’t make them happy because they got it for the wrong reasons.
Which I guess leads me into my next topic to discuss (it relates to the highway and back roads) and that is THE GAME. The game of society. Face it, society has norms, it is a culture, and it asks certain requirements of people. How many times were you told that you would only get a good job with a four year degree or more? How many times were you told you needed a good job to have a good life? This is the game…it is what media shows you, the “American Dream”. I might argue the “American Dream” is dead but that is for another post. A lot of people play the game and some win, some lose (can you guess who the winners are?) The highway drivers are the ones who can play the game, who WANT to play the game, who can abide by the rules happily. Back roaders….ehhh not so much. They don’t want to play, the game doesn’t work for them it doesn’t make them happy. Yeah I could have the big 3 story house and the brand new Honda Fit but will it really make me happy? For me, the answer is no. When I think about it the only reason I dreamed of these big things is because they were pushed on me, because other people told me to want them, not directly of course, but within all of those messages in media and school. I am slowly figuring out what really makes me happy, is freedom. Freedom to do as I please everyday of my life. Freedom to travel when I want, make what I want, discover what I want, and study what I want (when I want). This means I won’t be the A student, I might never have a 401k or even Health Insurance…security in life…bye bye! Transferring over to this school of thought is scary but necessary FOR ME. Not everyone needs to go through this and if you don’t then by all means BLESS YOUR LIFE. Basically I have to reroute 15 years of learning and teach myself a whole new set of rules. Switching from the highway to back roads is NOT an easy flip of the switch, it is going to take years to train myself to give up wanting to have what others have, to not compare myself to everyone else because then I’m always going to feel like I’m losing. Just because I am a back roader does mean that lifestyle is instantly ingrained in me, I do have to learn to love it and see it as equal because face it, society will not view me as equal or as successful. I have tried being a highway driver and all it got me failure after failure because I was trying a system I did not fit into, now that I have accepted I do not fit into the system comes the hard part…letting go of the expectations. Expectations from myself, my family, friends, and the rest of society. This is VERY difficult and the only person I know who has come close to complete acceptance is my friend Paul, who has been walking the back roads since middle school. My beloved friend Annie has been walking the back roads for YEARS and still struggles with letting go of expectations. It is a lifelong process to get used to, but once back roaders find the niche that makes them happy it usually gets just a little easier.

Like I said, there are flaws in my thinking, no doubt! But I’m only 22 so what can you expect from me? I’m struggling in school, financially, emotionally, and with my own identity. I’m in a process that will go on for some time so if my thoughts and attitudes change, bear with me readers, after all you are reading the blog of someone who will never really be over the age of 5…ever. I have found comfort in that though. I am one of very few adults given the gift of play, not everyone can continue to play as they get older because they feel they must be “mature” now and “act like an adult” haha! I feel no need to ever act my age and enjoy that I still have the ability to see the world through a child’s eye and an adult’s eye. Of course this means there are going to plenty of people who won’t be able to stand my personality because I will forever be “too immature” for them. If I am too immature for anyone though it’s probably best we aren’t friends anyway as I would probably think they are to stuffy to have any real fun. Hehe

So there are back roads and highways and no way is better than another, it just depends on your personality. I beg if you read this strangers (haha yeah right) take some time to think about who you are and what you really want and don’t be ashamed to admit you might be wrong! Plenty of people have graduated with Ph.D’s before they realize it’s not really what they want. It’s nothing to be ashamed or disappointed of and it doesn’t mean your life up to now has been a waste, you just gotta make the most of it and go find your happiness. Likewise DO NOT think you have to try the back roads if it’s not meant for you. If you’re really happy with your life then chances are you’re doing pretty good and stay the course.

So cheers to all those radical thinkers, out-of-the-box, back roaders! (and to those in-the-box highway drivers who keep the world running ;)…)

Itchy Skin

My morning poem has inspired me to write so let's do an impromtu poem right now!

Never Be You

I wear red shoes
hardly ever watch the news
dream big but live small
I am me
not YOU
my life is not YOUR life
but that's okay I think
because my life is strange and exhilarating
and with misspelled words
A struggle to barely break even
I don't think just anyone could handle my life
My job will never be YOUR job
because my job must be free, allow me to explore and play
I could not sit in an office all day
or even for an hour
I must create
creating from nothing
is hard work
I don't think YOU could do
creating takes patience and frustration
not everyone can endure
My apartment will never be YOUR apartment
because my apartment must be me
and if anyone could walk into my apartment
and mistake it for another's
what a sad day it will be
My walls will never be YOUR walls
and unless they are covered in pictures and posters
expect them never to be white
for I live in a world of color and refused to be boxed in
My things will never be YOUR things
they will never be new or exciting
or flashy to show off my success
They will be dug up in rummage sales and basements
second hand stores and homemade gifts
As it seems the quality of finding treasure in other people's junk
has become a unique quality held by few today
but those people
who can find treasure in other people's junk
will be able to fill their homes with memories
of laughter, sadness, love, and sorrow
from people they will never know
they have the chance to be a part of an object's story
long and beautiful
appreciated through time, places, and people
and everything I own
has a history
And keeping something from sitting in a landfill
for just one more day
is special and kind of heroic
I think
my mind will never be YOUR mind
it plays like a child
observes like an adult
struggles to barely break into the middle of pack
sees hatred and chooses love
walks on it's own path
and is not even interested at whatever is in the box
It must pick itself up when I stumble and fall
A strength given to only a few in life
my voice will never be YOUR voice
it fights for what's right
advocates for those who cannot speak
and whispers kind words in the dark to strangers
hoping to give someone a smile
It will not go away when anyone tells it too
in fact it will just get louder
simply because it can
My heart will never be YOUR heart
cracked and weary
missing pieces
barely beating
but still strong and powerful
and able to stand
more than most other hearts
for it lives outside my chest
in another's hands
and for us to be apart but still together
it must be rather strong I think
so my life will never be YOUR life
but I wear red shoes.

Talk to me

This is the downside of working at the library at night, espcially in ALD. I'm sitting at a desk, with no one to talk to, stuck staring at a computer screen after I have spent practically my entire day staring at a computer screen. I wish I had company but alas, that is not the job and sadly it's starting to get to me. I just don't like being isolated for so long, it gets hard when it gets late for me I guess. I start to miss conversation. So I guess I just get to converse with myself. Boring for you, relaxing for me haha. However right now I realize my brain is really jumbled with lots of things going on in my life and discussing them is just exhausting. So I found a list of thoughtful questions (as opposed to those "what color are your socks" questions that get dull and boring far to fast). So here we go....

1 - What do blind people see in their dreams?

I like to think blind people see the impossible, that they are able to see the world in a way we never will because physicality will always play a part. Imagine being able to dream of a vast field but because you have never seen a field, your dream field could have anything it wanted, blue grass, purple sun, flowers as big as your face. ahhhh to let the world really be your imagination, how wonderful!


2 - Whats Faster, Light or Dark?

My heart wants to say light but I think dark has such an interesting ability to just cloak everything. I'm fascinated by dark (and sometimes scared by it) because in the dark you must rely on your other senses to tell you whats happening. I for instance love LOVE talking in the dark to people. There's less judgment it feels like, because really all you can count on is their words and inflections. Nonverbal communication is out of the picture-I kind of like that.

3 - Can you get cornered in a round room?

Literally, I would think not but if you are thinking of the feeling of getting cornered then yes. I hate being cornered by people, mostly because in my fight or flight sense I instantly will get defensive. I'm like a dog, corner me and I'll just bite you (not literally-I hope haha) because I don't know what to do with myself, I feel unable to process the information and just freak out.


4 - How come popcorn isn't a vegetable?

I don't know! It should be! Imagine being like-"oh I still need my 3 serving of vegetables today, gimme that popcorn!" hahaha yum yum yum. You would think though if corn in a vegetable why is it suddenly not a vegetable when it explodes?

5 - Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves?

awwww, I hope not!

6 - Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?

I like this one! Maybe it's because we think of movies as having deeper plot lines and because they filmed and then edited so far in advance (vs live T.V.) that saying someone is in a movies is sort of a past tense and when someone is ON T.V. it is because we think of it being streamed live...but then wouldn't be people ON plays not in them (of course we do say someone is ON Broadway but they are IN the show...how bizarre!)

7 - Do stairs go up or down?

Up, no doubt about it and don't question my answer! hahaha :)

8 - Why does the label on children’s Tylenol tell you not to operate heavy machinery or vehicles?

Because companies are profit mongers. If there's a possibility they could get sued for something they will warn against it, no matter how stupid. Or the mass public is really stupid. Or both.


9 - If anything's possible, then is it possible that nothing's possible?

Ok, this might get lengthy. If anything refers to the substance of any matter or idea then one would assume the opposite of any matter or idea would be nothing. If anything (any matter or idea) IS possible then the opposite would be true for the opposite of anything (nothing) making nothing impossible. But if you think nothing falls within the realm of any matter or idea (the idea of nothing) then I would think the idea of nothing would be possible. But nothing in itself is the absence of any matter or idea-so not possible? Hmm, I tried to work this out using logic equations but my memory of logic equations is too far deteriorated to actually find out if it is a true statement or false statement (logically speaking)

10 - Why do people wash their bath towels when you're clean when you use them

Aha! Because I believe we are not really clean when we get out of a shower. There may still be dead skin and such left on the body that the towel helps rub off. Also towels can get left in dirty places (floors and such). ALSO the wet then dry thing that repeatedly happens with towels leaves an iffy oder somehow.

11- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

That's a basic right! besides you never know what shitty mimes will blab hahaa!

12- Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Because people still walk through them, I know I do haha

13- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

ohh, I like this one! hmmm, if we didn't have monkeys and apes then web of life would be thrown off...you know I don't know, I would have to say it probably has to do with geography. Maybe apes in one part of the world developed and in another part they did not because their habitat supported them and there wasn't a need to evolve to fight predators...does that make any sense?

14- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

hahaha, I hope so!

15- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I think you would ultimately succeed because you reached your goal, even if your goal was to fail at whatever you were trying to do. Apply this to a situation. If I wanted to fail a test (impractical I know) I would not try and would probably fail. However because I wanted to fail there would be a feeling of accomplishment in doing what I set out to do. Thus I succeeded in failing which means I still succeeded.

16- What if you stood on the very center of the north pole and dropped a 'lightsaber' or something that would just drop right through cutting through everything. Would it come out of the ground on the other side of the world? Just poping up from the ground?

I think I would need to be high in order to answer this question.


17- How does a Real Estate company sell its office without causing confusion?

haha I think it would take a while, they would almost need to close the space first then post a "this space for sale" while no longer in business, but that would suck!

18- Are eyebrows considered facial hair?

wow, they are on the face, and they are hair. So I guess so!

19- If a baby's leg pops out at 11:59PM but his head doesn't come out until 12:01, which day was he born on?

I would say the latter, simply because I don't think an infant is born until the entire baby is no longer inside any part of the mother. In an opposite situation if the leg popped out but the baby died before the head popped out I would also consider that a still birth because it wasn't completely born before it passed away. A full separation is birth anything less and I'm sorry but no cigar.

20- In the song Yankee Doodle, is he calling the horse or the feather "macaroni"?

Neither! I learned about this in History of Fashion! Macaroni was actually a term for a fashionable fellow in the 18th Century. Yankee Doodle was calling himself(!) a macaroni!

21- Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?

oooOOOOooo, I don't know, I'd like to think not because often fortune cookie predictions are just vague thoughts about life in general, not specific things.

22- Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

This I don't have a clue about! Or understand! In the same respect if hamburger buns are round why did Wendy's decide to make a square hamburger?

23- Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?

If it's a word then I would think so!

24- Can you daydream at night?

Of course, daydreaming is just dreaming while awake and controlling that dream (vs lucid dreaming where you can control the dream but are still asleep). I daydream all the time. Like 100%.

25- Why is it that on a phone or calculator the number five has a little dot on it?

It was once explained to me so that blind people using the instrument would have a base to refer to, so I'll go with that.

26- Can crop circles be square?

I think crop circles just refer to the unusual phenomena of large unexplained designs in fields, so a square counts! Ask Moulder! haha

27- If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?

I think they could if they wanted to, they just choose not to.

28- What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Let them both fucking die-that includes you pandas!
(I just kidding...sort of..:)...)

29- If a doctor suddenly had a heart attack while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?

I would hope they would get the doctor out of the surgery room and let someone else work on him while they took care of the patient. Win-Win!


30- How can something be "new" and "improved"? If it's new, what was it improving on?

Yeah that's just a selling point, like USDA Organic...ha, organic my butt!

31- When there's two men who "get married", do they both go to the same bachelor party?

What's the fun in that? Hmmm, I'll have to ask around ;P

32- If a guy that was about to die in the electric chair had a heart attack should they save him?

Ick, this goes back to just questioning should he be in the electric chair in the first place, sticky question, I'll choose not to answer this one (although I do want to say yes)

33- If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down?

Because society loves a tragedy! hahaha

34- Why is it that before 9/11 they always showed the emergency broadcast system test, and on 9/11 they never used it?

Because people are idiots? I thought we discussed this already?


34- If a nursing mother had her nipples pierced would the milk come out of all three holes?

oh, I hope not! I think it would really depend on how big the gauge is though. I have my nose pierced but if I take the jewelry out I can't breath through the hole, it's not big enough, maybe there would be a little leakage if she didn't have the jewelry in but not extensive squirting.

Bored at work and restless legs

Seriously the weather needs to catch up with my legs. After hibernating all winter long, my legs have grown EXTREMELY restless and it is a bother from the moment I wake to trying to sleep at night but unable to because my legs want to fucking move. It's not nice enough here yet to go for wonderful long walks while listening to music or attempt to teach myself how to roller blade (which I want to do so it's a goal for this spring/summer). It doesn't help that especially today I'm sitting from practically 12:20pm-1 am with minimal walking. My legs are having a tough time understanding that. Oh how I want spring break so I can go for walks, runs, roller blades, ice skates, SOMETHING that involves my legs working because not only is this getting annoying it's getting painful and then it's hard to concentrate on school when the only thought in my mind is how to make my legs feel better. So COME ON WEATHER!!!! early spring my butt. Stop snowing and stop being cold I can't handle it anymore. I want to enjoy being outside again. I want to read in the sun, I want to WANT to leave my apartment. This is why I hate winter and one of the reason I hate Wisconsin. Fuck you Wisconsin and your cold weather, I'm going to the west coast where it's sunny and warm and no Seasonal disorders make me pissy. My legs hate me right now and in turn I hate the world, god I just want to ruuuuunnnnnnnnnn. ugh

Good or Bad?

This is the sequenece of events that has happened since I left work yesterday at 1 am, I cannot tell if this equals the start to a good day or bad.

GOOD-After leaving work yesterday, a little grumpy, I was (literally) surprised by my friends with a Valentine's cake. They had waited up for me to come home to thank me for some treat bags I had made them for Valentines. It was very surprising and very sweet!

BAD-My alarm (which I KNOW I set) did not go off, making me late for work

BAD-As I was running out the door to get to work, I felt I was forgetting something-halfway to work I realized it was my glasses, and I do not have contacts in either.

BAD-When I got to work I realized my favorite hat and slipped off while running here, I can only hope to find it in a puddle on my way home

GOOD-The class I usually have (and my only class on Tuesdays and Thursdays) after work, has been canceled, freeing up just a little more time to get work done today.

And here we can see an EXACT example of my theory that for every good thing that happens and equal 3 bad things will happen. HAHA ok yes I realize it is just a coincidence and no bad things could cancel out my friends kind gestures (or the extra sleep I got :) hehe)

A No-Valentines Valentine's Day

I don't really care, I guess, but it has just struck me (as I am here stuck at work till 1 am) that not one person has wished me a Happy Valentine's Day today. It's understandable but I guess a part of me is still a little sad I never got the greeting. Just a little reminder that you are loved by someone, not even my mother wished me well today. I guess like I said, not that it matters-I try not hold any meaning to it, people just had better things to do. At least I can look forward to hopefully hearing birds chirping in the morning again tomorrow. Thats...something. Right?

Goodness It Has Been A While!

Not only since I wrote, but since I have heard birds in the morning! Which is what really promted me to come back and make sure there is written proof the today (yes Valentine's Day blah blah ick...) I heard birds singing this morning. This means spring is on its way! Ahh the warm sun and wonderful weather! I'm soo excited! I love spring and summer I love the weather!!! It is no longer frightful! Suck it Santa your season is over! (ok well not offically but I want spring!)

On another note (as my brain is all jumbled with all sorts of things so everything is out of order) NEWS EVERYONE! This Lent I have decided to fast, I wanted to do a fasting expirement and since Lent was coming up I figured that it would be a good time period to set this expierment on. I am still setting up all the rules and regulations I must follow on this fast since I have to be careful because I have an active and busy schedule and I don't want to be unable to function. I am thinking the best way to do this is that although I am using a Christian time frame I need to bring in the Muslim fasting rule that during the day I am not allowed to eat but when the sun is down I can. However I have decided that I will only be allowed to eat on certain days (perhaps once a week) and this meal must be all natural foods (no processed junk for me!). To prepare for this, I have started fasting every other day and this Thursday it shall be bumped to fasting for two days, the next week I will fast for three days and so on until March 9th when Lent begins and so does the fasting expirement. I am excited not only to see how my body reacts but also to see if I can basically reboot my system. If I take away all those bad foods for 40 days will I still crave them when its over? Will I be able to break the habit of looking for ice cream and chocolate instead of an apple? CAN I make my brain listen more to what my body needs instead of what advertising tells me to eat? The hardest part of the fast will be giving up coffee. I don't want to but if I consistantly rely on over-drinking coffee to make up for the hunger in stomach I will not learn anything except another dependence and addiction. This. Is. Going. To. Be. Tough. Especially when I will be home for spring break and it will be so tempting to eat out a lot. One thing I have not yet decided on is alcohol consumption. I don't drink much alcohol as is but I don't want to cut out going out with friends. Of course I can go out and choose not to drink, but it is very hard to do. hmm I will have to ponder this.

For now I must get back to life...sigh...