As always I usually try to remain writing when the summer comes and never do, so here I am again. Scratching my way back to this lonely blog of mis-adventures and random writings. At least it's fun. Soon I will be heading back to Menomonie for my *fingers crossed* LAST year of school! I'm ready to be done with school but no lie, I'm panicking about joining the real world. All I've known is school and I'm terrified that I will falter and fail when put to the test in an actual job. The other half is I have no idea WHERE I will be when school is done. I would love to go back to Denver, I was there once a long time ago and it stole my heart. I enjoyed every minute in Denver and feel I owe it to myself to return and see if I can find home there. At least I know now that my cat always seems to find home on my lap (or my computer).
I started this blog to help me find myself, discover who I was, and every year I head to school beaming with excitement that maybe *THIS* year I will truly find myself and by each spring my head is more clouded and confused than ever. It makes me wonder why some people figure themselves out so early on in life while others, like me, struggle year after year. I used to be jealous of the people who seemed to have everything figured out in life because everything seemed so easy. In my bitter state I tried to maintain the face that I simply did not care and secretly wept that I felt so behind everyone else. Now, sitting here, with some of my friends married and all other friends engaged I can honestly say I am ECSTATIC to make a mess of life. All my life I've bitterly prayed for security in life and now facing it with all of my friends I find myself happy to turn my back on security for wilderness. As my friends move forward in life, I find myself ready to fall backwards into the dark, endless pit of uncertainty. To be honest it was no big life change that brought me to this point but simply trust. Trust in life that it will be what is will be, good or bad, exciting or boring, I am who I am. My old roommate was shocked once when I told her I did not pre-write and edit my posts here. But this blog is not for pre-writing or editing. It is the honest, brutal, and most often boring expedition of a real life. Real life cannot be edited and thus neither should I.
So I may not have money, a boyfriend, a great social life, nice new things, a car, a great paying job, or everything figured out but what I do have? I have AMAZING friends, a supportive family, amazing journeys behind me, amazing journeys ahead of me, a strong will, a beating heart, and the cutest cat. So even if I don't "have it all" I've got a long amazing life to go find it all.
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