well, I wish I had something more interesting than the fact that I think I need a hair trim to update but I don't really....
Work has started out GREAT. I haven't yet really talked to any co-workers (I'm so bad at socailizing) but my boss and her boss are really cool people, very friendly, which I love. I also realized just how much I missed working at a library. Sure I don't get to talk alot but I LOVE organizing books! I love carrying books,finding places for them, I love it! I'll probably end up working at a Library after school for a while, maybe doubling being a desk person at a salon too. Those are the two jobs I think I would like to have for a bit. At work though I feel almost like I'm working too fast. Julianne (my boss) has made a couple of comments on me being fast, but I can't help it. When you've spent two years working at a library you tend to get faster at shelving and it's like riding a bike I guess, I got back into the swing of things and picked up my pace. I don't try to be fast, I just am. whoop! Hopefully soon(but not too soon) I'll get trained on Desk so I can check out books too! I love the desk (even though I never worked one before)
I also recently watch a documentary called Gonzo on the life and times of Hunter S. Thompson. If you don't know who he is, he was a fabulous writer and a guy with a ton of guts. There are good and bad points of his life but on the whole I guess in some ways I really want to emulate his life. He lived for fun, and I want to too. I'm no writer but hopfully I'll eventually have my little shop of clothes (yay). The biggest difference between us is I think Hunter actually wanted (and possibly tried) to change people, to make a difference whereas I know there's nothing I can say or do that's going to change anything or anybody. I'm just going to live my life in the way that makes me happy, although more and more I'm seeing that what makes me happy seems to dissapoint my friends and family. I don't blame them. Most of my friends live "by the book" or "inside the box" and even if they don't they know how to play the game of life. How to live in society without constantly pushing barriers. I think I'm just too compulsive to live that way. I know a lot of my friends talk about tattoos and piercings and may someday get one but are.....more responsible?...smarter? than me. If my gut tells me to do something I know that eventually I'll do it, sooner or later (probably sooner because my gut can get so annoying) The only problem is that it's getting to the point were I'll have to decide, live so that others are happy but I am not happy with myself or live so that I am comfortable in my own skin but constantly dissapointing those close to me. I don't want to decide, I don't want to be here but I realize that I am. Most people now would tell me to take the first path because I DO live in society and the only real way to get by is to play by their rules, and how can I be so cruel to those that show me kindness? But I've done that before. For me, if I can't be happy with myself...what's the point of living? I know I'm the worst kind of selfish, just the worst. Either way there is never going to be true full happiness, either way there will always be a sorrow on my shoulders, a burden that is there but not there. I feel like I HAVE to do things my way but dealing with the guilt afterwards is bone crushing. However I'm beginning to see things about myself and my life that I can just no longer ignore. I feel a pull in a certain direction but it is the worst direction, and I will become the worst of all people, the most selfish.
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