It's On Your Back!

Your good qualities! They're on your back! For about 2 years I've been a lost little girl, I've taken big steps but I am by no means done finding out who I am. It's important that people see thier good qualities but this is very hard for me because it's like good qualities are on our backs it's easy to see what other people have and it can make you feel so plain, boring, and jelousy grows because it's impossible to see your own good qualities on your back. I don't know why but I seem to have a harder time with this than most people. It doesn't help that I don't like praising myself, telling myself I did a good job. I can tell myself that I worked hard but all that hard work summounted to something that was mediocre (if that). But I can see the all the good qualities in my friends (it's not hard, they have so many!!). This weekend at home was really quite wonderful, I love my friends and family!! I got to spend a night at my brothers apartment hanging out with him and my sister, I love them so much! I am so blessed to have them as my siblings! I was the youngest but my brother and my sister were always very nice to me! It was a lot of fun to hang out with them and I hope to do it some more come winter break. Seeing my friends was truly a blessing too! I won't lie because thier lives are moving forward so fast it easy to see what I don't have when I am around them. It's silly I know, but I can't help but to compare and constantly come up short. My life is constantly high stress but I rapidly getting used to it (getting used to it does not mean enjoying it hahaha!) No am I so blessed to be at Stout! The school is not the hardest but the program is intense to make sure that I am prepared for a job right out of graduation! Under a pile of work that is sometimes hard to see but I guess it is out there somewhere, haha I believe it when I am closer! I've only been doing apparel for about a year and half and while I've learned a lot much of my focus is on all that I have left to learn. I'm not top of my class, I doubt I ever will be but that doesn't mean I'm not still learning! I'm by no means good at all though yet. I've much to learn and perfect and it will probably take me my entire life! I don't know where the sadness in my heart came from, nothing sad ever really happened to me but still I know a part of my heart is sad, has been for a long time. I first noticed a sadness I couldn't explain back in 7th grade when I tried (empahsis on tried) writing poetry and it was all very sad and dark. I don't know why? I've never been able to discover what made this sadness but I know I don't want it anymore. I've had a great life and it's high time I start apprieciating it and stop being such an ungrateful bitch. I may not be where I wish I was in life, my dreams may be bigger than I can ever accomplish but I don't want this tainted heart anymore. I want a good heart, a pure heart. I must not think bad things about people anymore! no more judging, no more categorizing! hmmm....this isn't going to be easy, but I want to be a good person!


God help me.