Trying Hard

I've been trying to figure myself out for a while now and in doing so my journey involves asking questions and constantly trying to take in any new information I can. This has led me to read a couple different Birthday books which has led to an interesting conclusion. Each book was unique in it's own but they all carried a uniform message. That people born on my birthday have a duality personality. It means that we are hardest to describe becuase we can be both equally sad and happy, quiet and outgoing. One book called it the day of agony and extascy. Truth is these books have it right, people have never seemed to have been able to describe me, I've always just been Elly. But this isn't always a good thing. Because I have such a range of emotions and I feel them so strongly it's hard to control them. This is what I've been working on recently. Reminding myself not to lose control over a situation because of my emotions. I think sometimes I come of unstable because I can't control my emotions and I don't like coming off unstable so I've been working on controlling my emotions. This is also important because it effects my schoolwork. So often I seen the final projects of other students and think I'm so far behind everyone. Everytime I struggle I feel like I am the only person struggling and that makes me feel so disappointed in myself. Sad that I don't seem to be talented at anything. I don't give myself breaks easily but I need to learn how to do that. I need to remind myself that the talent will come but I need to learn it. And every project I take on is just another learning experience. A way to find out what I'm good at and what I could work on. It doesn't matter the outcome because as long as I've done something I've won! Sometimes, especailly from looking at other people from the outside, it feels like everybody else has life so easy while I seem to constantly struggle every step of the way and that's really hard to deal with. When I'm staring at ceiling just wishing I had sometime to talk to it sucks knowing everyone is out with someone else having a great time. However, struggling through life has it ups in the sense that as I'm struggling I'm learning, and now I feel like I'm learning fast. I'm starting to (sorta) pull away from living in a fantasy world and dealing with the world around me.

Que Sera Sera